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Writing Samples
Band 6

The table shows the data about how do unemployed people spent their time

The table shows the data about how do unemployed people spent their time
The table gives information about the number of unemployed
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 who spent their
time
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year in the UK.  
Overall
Linking Words
, morning
men
Use synonyms
 and
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
 spent most of their
time
Use synonyms
 job hunting,
whereas
Linking Words
 morning
women
Use synonyms
 and
afternoon
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
expended
Verb problem
spent
show examples
 lots of
time
Use synonyms
 in the household.  
According to
Linking Words
 the table, morning
men
Use synonyms
 spent 22% of their
time
Use synonyms
 job hunting,
while
Linking Words
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
expended
Verb problem
spent
show examples
 14% of their
time
Use synonyms
 watching TV. Decorating was 7% on both sides. Gardening was 14% for morning
men
Use synonyms
 and 13% for
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
. Shopping was 20% for morning
men
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 it was 9% for
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
. Playing sports was 4%, and the same for both morning and
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
. Morning
men
Use synonyms
 did more housework than
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
, like 19% and 7% for
afternoon
Use synonyms
men
Use synonyms
.  
By contrast
Linking Words
, morning
women
Use synonyms
 spent 49% of their
time
Use synonyms
 on housework, and
afternoon
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
 spent 21% on it. Shopping and visiting friends or relatives were both 17%. Job hunting was similar in the morning and
afternoon
Use synonyms
; they were 16 and 13, respectively. Decorating, walking, and nothing were 3% for morning
women
Use synonyms
, but for
afternoon
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
, they were 2% for decorating and walking, and nothing was 6%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, time, afternoon with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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