IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

THE WORLD TODAY IS A SAFER PLACE THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, AND GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP SPENDING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THEIR ARMED FORCES. To what extent do you agree.

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While
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 it can be generally accepted that the present days are safer than they were in the past hundred years, several suggestions
such
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 as asking the government to halt funding the armed forces are being spread by many.
However
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, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement because, beyond wars, the military is part of the important security architectures of any nation.
To begin
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, over the past few decades excluding what is currently happening in the Middle East, many continents have experienced serenity and have fought fewer wars, unlike the trend in the 19th century. Many might have considered governmental financial commitments in the Air Force as a mere waste of resources for many reasons. One is that many count them as unimportant.
For instance
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, more than 200 million dollars worth of new fighter jets were recently purchased by the Egyptian government with no intention to use them anytime soon. Meanwhile, these funds could have been directed into another thing for economic growth.
Although
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 it might look like unwise spending on the part of the authorities, I strongly oppose
this
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 opinion. Whether there is war or not, military upgrading is a critical sector of any country that wants to dominate and protect its citizens, and intentional withdrawal of monetary support from them is a form of self-sabotage to any government.
Also
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, nowadays, terrorist attacks and rumours of war are looming at every corner.
Therefore
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, adequate preparation and meeting up with other countries' security standards is paramount.
For example
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, the United States recently beefed up their nuclear weapons upon hearing that Russia has added more. With
this
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, they stand a chance to overcome threats from anywhere. In conclusion, securing a state is not an option for any serious country, so, expansion and development at all levels including in the military are key to promoting a safe society.

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more explicit and clear thesis statement in the introduction to outline the main points of the argument. Try to make the main argument clearer at the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument. Some paragraphs could benefit from better-defined topic sentences.
task achievement
Include more diverse examples to support the points raised. This will strengthen your argument and demonstrate a well-thought-out understanding of the topic.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a strong conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the position taken.
logical structure
Good use of transitions and linking words to connect ideas and maintain flow throughout the essay.
supported main points
The main points are generally well-supported with examples and explanations, making the arguments convincing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • International Diplomacy
  • United Nations
  • pandemics
  • socioeconomic improvements
  • literacy rates
  • economic development
  • social stability
  • military expenditure
  • deterrent
  • cyber-attacks
  • terrorism
  • biological warfare
  • critical areas
  • well-rounded approach
  • prosperous society
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