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Band 7.5

in modern times, social media addiction is wrecking havoc on lives of people. What is the cause of this problem and how will you tackle it?

#times #media #addiction #havoc #lives #people
These days, people around the world have been spending most of their time on social
media
instead
 of doing something else. In the following paragraphs, the reasons and my ideas to alleviate
this
 issue will be outlined before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with,
firstly
, social
media
 contain a lot of content.
For instance
, movies, audiovisuals, novels, games, etc. These entertaining contents can help workers find the outlets for their stress from work.
However
, they got attracted by these entertainments and cannot stop looking for more again and again.
Secondly
, in recent years, it is undeniable that the accessibility of social
media
 is way easier than in the past,
due to
 the fact that the decrease in price of devices.
Hence
, individuals who have low incomes can be able to afford it.
Furthermore
, the ways we manage to address
this
 matter are gathering and grouping up with others who have the same feelings. Afterwards, we need to pressure the government to introduce the new regulation to limit social
media
 playing duration per day.
For example
, China has introduced a gameplay duration law and restricts their citizens not to play more than three hours per day.
In addition
, individuals
also
 need to convince and persuade their friends to go out
instead
 of playing and concentrating on their social
media
.
For example
, ask them to go out shopping or explore nature.
Overall
, it is uncomplicated to tackle
this
 problem if every individual realises
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the negative effects of
this
 problem and tries to alleviate them together.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Language Use
While your essay addresses the topic well, incorporating more complex sentence structures and varied vocabulary could enhance its quality.
Paragraphing
Ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs and ideas for better readability.
Content Depth
You could improve the effectiveness of your argument by offering more in-depth analysis and diverse examples for each point.
Introduction and Conclusion
You have successfully introduced the topic and provided a conclusion that summarises your views, which aids in task completion.
Use of Examples
The use of examples, like the reference to China's gaming laws, effectively supports your arguments.
Essay Structure
Your essay is well-organized, with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion, enhancing coherence and cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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