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Band 6

childhood obesity has become more and more popular.

#childhood #obesity
Obesity
 in
children
 is worsening at an unprecedented rate and many discussions have been made to overcome
such
 a situation. Some people view that the best
way
 to prevent
obesity
 in
children
 is by banning fast
foods
 and sweet
snacks
 in schools'
cafeteria
Fix the agreement mistake
cafeterias
show examples
.
Although
 I believe it is a good precautionary measure, I do not agree it is the best
way
 to fight against
child
obesity
. Prohibition of selling junk
foods
 and sugary
snacks
 may be useful if students eat in their school's cafeteria on a daily basis.
However
, many students bring their own lunch boxes to school and if they are still provided with unhealthy
foods
, it will still jeopardize the
child
's health.
Therefore
, I believe the restriction to selling junk
foods
 and unhealthy
snacks
 is not the best
way
 to combat
child
obesity
.
On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that good
habits
 begin at the family level.
Thus
, the best
way
 is for
parents
 to lead their
children
 by example.
This
 means
parents
 need to show their kids a real example of how to have a well-balanced diet
as well as
maintaining
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 a sufficient amount of physical exercise.
Children
, who are still in an absorbing phase in their lives, will take after their
parents
'
habits
 and
therefore
 it will be easier for them to develop good
habits
 if they already see
such
habits
 at an early age. In conclusion, I believe that restricting the sale of fast
foods
 and sweet
snacks
 in schools is not the best
way
 to fight against
child
obesity
 but I think it is a good step to start the awareness of living a healthy life for
children
. I personally think that the most important role
to prevent
Change preposition
in preventing
show examples
 a kid from
getting
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 relies on the
parents
' capacity.
Submitted by sormindevina on

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Coherence & Cohesion
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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a strong logical structure, with each paragraph coherently advancing your argument.
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You provided a well-reasoned argument, effectively addressing the question and offering a balanced view.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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