IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books.

Movies
Use synonyms
, devices, and
entertainment
Use synonyms
 are steadily utilized rather than
books
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 gadgets and films are often considered effective for socializing children and learning successfully, they
also
Linking Words
 have negative aspects of
entertainment
Use synonyms
. In
education
Use synonyms
 at school, watching
movies
Use synonyms
 and
entertainment
Use synonyms
 arouses interest more than only learning grammar and reading
books
Use synonyms
 for students.
Therefore
Linking Words
, for children during lessons, playing
games
Use synonyms
 is used as
entertainment
Use synonyms
 to aid memorization for those, who can not remember items solely through reading or learning without any
games
Use synonyms
, the best environment for studying .
For instance
Linking Words
, children who play
games
Use synonyms
 with classmates in groups will be more cohesive as a single group, they will help each other and learn how to care for others .
Consequently
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 ought to use amusements to help students create a good learning atmosphere. Many teachers prefer using computers, and watching
movies
Use synonyms
 to teach with enthusiasm as they aim for the best
education
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, excessive reliance on
movies
Use synonyms
 may not always yield positive outcomes for
education
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if students spend too much time playing
games
Use synonyms
 or watching
movies
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of acquiring
skills
Use synonyms
 or reading
books
Use synonyms
, they may become accustomed to
this
Linking Words
 environment and their reading
skills
Use synonyms
, and their interest in studying may decline by phones and computers and computer
games
Use synonyms
 regularly.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 should integrate
movies
Use synonyms
 into the curriculum alongside reading
skills
Use synonyms
, learning other ways to be intelligent.
To sum up
Linking Words
, for learning
skills
Use synonyms
 effectively,
schools
Use synonyms
 ought to use amusements fairly with other
skills
Use synonyms
, like reading
books
Use synonyms
, and
then
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 will be efficient.
Schools
Use synonyms
 should use films, computers and
games
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
books
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Continue to use clear introductory and concluding paragraphs to frame your essay effectively. This strengthens your argument's structure and helps the reader understand your perspective from the start.
Use of Examples
You've made good use of examples to support your points, ensuring they are relevant and detailed. Try to further elaborate on these examples with more depth to enhance the clarity of your arguments.
Exploration of Argument
Aim to explore both sides of the argument in slightly more depth. This will not only show a balanced understanding of the topic but also allow you to demonstrate critical thinking and evaluation skills.
Sentence Structure
Work on varying your sentence structure more to create a more engaging and nuanced essay. This can also showcase your linguistic range and command over the language.
Transitions
While you've utilized paragraphs to organize your ideas, strive for smoother transitions between them. This will enhance the flow of your essay and make your argumentation more cohesive.
Structure
Effective use of introductory and concluding paragraphs
Content
Relevant and supportive examples used
Engagement
Engages with the topic and provides a clear stance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: