IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of advertisements that try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys, and other goods. Some people claim this is unfair as parents feel under pressure to buy these kinds of things for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #advertisements #children #snacks #toys #goods #people #parents #pressure #kinds
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Owing to technological advancement, more and more companies use
advertisements
 as a profitable way to encourage
children
 to buy leisure products making
parents
 more strained.
This
 essay firmly disagrees that
parents
’ pressure is held accountable for financial burden and adverse influence on parental upbringing. It is vital to acknowledge that paying for entertaining items and services for
children
 puts a heavy strain on the family’s expenditure.
In other words
, not only does the daily spending
such
 as electricity and water bills or the study fees for their
children
 cause much tension for them, but
parents
 accept to purchase
children
’s entertainment to satisfy their ambition.
Furthermore
,
advertisements
 attract a lot of attention from
children
due to
 their eye-catching images and informative details about leisure things leading to their curiosity.
As a consequence
, they urge
parents
 to buy them for relaxation causing the huge pressure on the family finances in total. Take many Chinese as a pertinent example, where 95% of the population did the job without any energy and passion on account of the deficits in their expenditure
while
 buying many things including entertainment goods for their young adults. The side effects of the
advertisements
 on parental education toward
children
’s morality and responsibility is another considerate factor.
This
 is because the sense of curiosity when seeing the advertising board or method encourages the young generation to buy entertaining items, which forms dependent habits and a lack of self-control.
For
this
 reason,
parents
 can not easily educate
children
 about the responsibility of saving and utilizing money effectively. If
children
 did not listen and understand what parental advice and upbringing wanted to convey, they would become useless or even harmful members of the human civilization,
such
 as the growth in the unemployment rate and the increasing amount of criminals thanks to the lack of consideration for spending extravagantly. Many Asian countries are prime examples,
according to
 many reliable scientific research, over 50% of adolescents skipped all the lessons and advice from parental education to purchase the relaxed things they desire based on the attractive advertisement. Taking all points into account, the negative impacts of
advertisements
 on the pressure of
parents
’ income and educative orientation toward
children
's awareness.
Therefore
, it should have been demonstrated that the popularity of
advertisements
 brings about adverse changes to the families’ lives.
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Task Achievement
Make sure your essay directly addresses the question asked. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This can enhance cohesion between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Ensure your examples are specific and directly support your argument. General examples or those that do not clearly tie back to your main point can weaken your argument.
Task Achievement
Revise essay content for clarity, focusing on making your argument more direct and structured around clear main points.
Task Achievement
Your essay addressed the topic and provided a clear stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
You utilized paragraphs effectively to organize different ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion segments are present, establishing your essay's framework.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pervasive
  • Exploit
  • Impressionable
  • Consumerist attitude
  • Materialistic values
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Financial strain
  • Culture of indulgence
  • Mitigating
  • Stricter controls
  • Proactive role
  • Educating about consumerism
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