IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The government should control the content of violence in films and on TV to decrease the level of violent crime in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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An argument has arisen between two views, the first one believes that governments should control the
content
Use synonyms
 of violent videos to minimize the percentage of murders in the community,
while
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 the second view objects
that
Change preposition
to that
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. In
this
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 report, I will go through both sides of
this
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 conflict, and
then
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 allow me to share my position.
To begin
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 with, violent
content
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 is effective, dangerous, and useless;
as a consequence
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, many people claim that governments are responsible for preventing
this
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 kind of video.
Firstly
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, avoiding
this
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 sort of movie worked in a variety of countries.
For example
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, the percentage of crimes in KSA, Japan, and UAE is almost zero percent;
as a result
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 of preventing
such
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content
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.
Also
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, their population is extremely peaceful, calm, and friendly because they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not use to watch
such
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 scenes.
Secondly
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, the
content
Use synonyms
 in films dramatically affects the individuals' behaviours. Many studies acknowledge that a lot of criminals were affected by the movies that they watched previously.
Although
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 the points mentioned above are influencing, there are reverse points that hold equal influence. The first point is that these movies are interesting, cheerful, exciting, and attractive, so it is not an ideal idea to control them. For
further
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 explanation, many people admit that they watch
such
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 films because they are entertaining, but they, actually, do not care about the violence.
Besides
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 that, there are other, and more effective, factors that lead to crimes. A lot of reports show that the environments, genes, and relationships lead to changing the person's behaviours even though some of them have not ever watched violent movies.
In addition
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, many criminals said that they
made
Verb problem
committed
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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murder
because of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 various reasons related to their personal lives, and, indeed, the films they watched did not significantly affect their behaviours. In conclusion, even though controlling the scenes is beneficial, strategic, and safe, it is,indeed, useless, difficult, and time-consuming;
as a result
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, I completely disagree with the statement mentioned above.

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Task Achievement
Ensure a clearer stance is presented throughout the essay, not only in the conclusion, to strengthen the argument and task achievement.
Task Achievement
Integrate more specific examples and data to support your arguments. While general examples are provided, more detailed evidence could enhance the persuasiveness of your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on enhancing the transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow and cohesion. Connecting sentences can help link the ideas more clearly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using a wider range of linking words to improve the cohesion and flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
You effectively covered both sides of the argument, demonstrating a well-balanced discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of an introductory and concluding paragraph to frame your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government regulation
  • media producers
  • public good
  • normalization of aggressive behavior
  • freedom of speech
  • artistic expression
  • cultural differences
  • universal standard
  • violent behavior
  • societal impact
  • parental responsibility
  • media consumption
  • parental controls
  • restricting content
  • creative freedom
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