IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people feel that the legal age at which people can marry should be at least 21. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #age
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Certain individuals believe in making
age
 21
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the minimum
age
 for marriage. I completely agree with
this
 and marrying before
age
 21 should be avoided.
To begin
 with, at the
age
 of 21, an individual gains conscientiousness but before that his mind remains unclear about major decisions
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
show examples
. Basically, before
this
age
, a
person
 has the tendency to align himself more towards the physical beauty rather than the inner beauty of an individual.
For instance
, if all of the young populace get randomly asked about their role model they will usually answer movie actors or TV personalities based on their physical appearance. The reason why
this
age
 is not suitable
to choose
Change preposition
for choosing
show examples
spouse
Correct article usage
a spouse
show examples
 is the fact that a young
person
 does not have
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 understanding of the other horizons of the personality
such
 as intellectual, spiritual and mental but only
of
Change preposition
apply
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the physical one.
Moreover
, when a
person
 chooses
spouse
Correct article usage
a spouse
show examples
 before the
age
 of 21
then
 he does not consider core values which leads to differences after
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 years of marriage.
This
 happens
due to
 the fact that a
person
 does not have the analytical ability which hinders how he analyzes his choice of spouse. To exemplify, a study suggests that the divorce rates are lowered if a
person
 marries at the
age
 of 30 or after
however
 very high when the wedlock created done before that.
Therefore
,
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
automatically contributes towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wise decision-making capability and increases the analytical ability of a
person
. In conclusion, it is appropriate to create 21 years as the lawful
age
 for a
person
 so that divorces and
Correct article usage
the
show examples
probability of wrong choices
get
Verb problem
apply
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decreased
Wrong verb form
decrease
show examples
. From my perspective, it could help create happy families and
reduces
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduce
show examples
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of unsuccessful weddings.
Submitted by Kiran on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To boost the coherence of your arguments, ensure each paragraph clearly ties back to the main thesis. Connecting sentences can help bridge ideas more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Incorporating a wider range of specific, detailed examples can strengthen your argument and make your points more convincing.
General
Consider refining your introduction and conclusion to more directly address the prompt and clearly state your position, providing a stronger framework for your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This structure is fundamental to a coherent and cohesive essay.
Task Achievement
You effectively use examples to support your main points, though greater detail could enhance their impact.
Coherence and Cohesion
The progression of ideas from paragraph to paragraph is logically consistent, which helps in maintaining the essay's overall cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Legal age
  • Marriage
  • Maturity
  • Stability
  • Individual choice
  • Freedom
  • Cultural practices
  • Religious practices
  • Education
  • Career aspirations
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