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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, it is possible to have a variety of food that has been transported from all over the world. To what extent do you think its benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

#countries #variety #food #world
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In modern society, we enjoy various foods which have been imported from other
countries
. On the one hand, having a variety of
food
 from all over the world seems unnecessary and has harmful effects on our
food
 consumption, but I
also
 think experiencing a variety of
food
 has more positive than we might have thought.
Firstly
,
people
 can experience extraordinary
food
 which they cannot get in their country. With
this
 experience, I believe they can intake essential and valuable ingredients. In Korea,
for instance
,
people
 enjoy eating salmon and tuna, which most Koreans love to eat, on our celebration day because those are not only expensive but
also
 commonly known as healthy
food
 in our society.
However
, those fish cannot be caught in Korea, we have transported them from other
countries
such
 as Norway.
Thus
, I think transporting
food
 from other
countries
 will satisfy
people
 who cannot gain.
On the other hand
, importing
food
 from all over the world has affected our society. For almost a century, we have transported meats from the United States as those are cheaper than meats from our country.
However
, with the rise in consumption of US meats, our local farmers have complained that they cannot sell their cows which is sad news to us.
Moreover
, the
food
 quality that has travelled for a long time seems doesn't look good.
This
 situation sometimes negatively results in
people
's health.
To sum up
,
although
 having various foods from other
countries
 might affect not only the quality of
food
 but
also
 the quality of
people
's lives, I believe there are more benefits to having a variety of
food
. Up until now, like
people
 eat
food
 that has been transported from all over the world, we will have many kinds of
food
 in the future.
Submitted by kchengii on

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Task Achievement
Aim to expand and elaborate on your main points for stronger task achievement. For instance, you could explore more deeply the cultural and economic impacts of food transportation.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure each paragraph seamlessly transitions into the next. Employing phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition to', or 'Consequently' may improve flow and clarity.
Task Achievement
Balancing both sides of the argument with equal depth and detail can enrich your discussion. While you provided examples of both the benefits and drawbacks, striving for more balance could improve the overall impact of your essay.
Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, presenting the topic and summarizing your viewpoint.
Supported Main Points
You used specific examples well, such as the import of salmon and tuna to Korea, to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Logical Structure
The essay maintains a logical structure throughout, making your arguments easy to follow and understand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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