The number of overweight and unhealthy children in developed country is increasing, and many people think that this is linked to diet and lifestyle. What are the reasons for this increase and what can be done to reduce the problem?
Statistics showed that there is a significant increase in
number
of Change the article
a number
the number
children
in developed countries suffering from obesity and dieases
. It is Correct your spelling
diseases
though
by many people that Correct your spelling
thought
this
problem is related to the unhealthy diet and lifestyle those young lives
. Correct subject-verb agreement
live
This
essay is going to take us through the cause of this
problem and what can be done to reduce this
.
First and foremost, internet civilization has caused a lot of knock-on effect
on our lives. In Fix the agreement mistake
effects
particularly
youth as they tend to spend long hours sitting in a video game or Change the word
particular
in
any platform on social media. Indeed Change preposition
on
this
resulted in input of food
without burning it and this
will deposit as fats throughout years
resulting in obesity. Dr Mohamed Ahmed a pediatrician in Khartoum hospital mentioned the major cause of obesity in Correct article usage
the years
children
is the overuse of technology over years. And parents and schools must play a crucial role in engcouraging
youth to move.
Correct your spelling
encouraging
Secondly
, due high cost of healthy orgainic
Correct your spelling
organic
food
that people can not affored
, they tend to rely on unhealthy options. Correct your spelling
afford
Moreover
, children
and parents prefer to eat a ready made
meal rather than Add a hyphen
ready-made
prepering
it as it is more Correct your spelling
prepping
conveniant
and less Correct your spelling
convenient
time consuming
. In 2015 the Add a hyphen
time-consuming
Minestry
of Correct your spelling
Ministry
health
announced that there Capitalize word
Health
will
be an increase in taxes for Wrong verb form
would
ready made
meals as they are trying to force people to reduce the number of times they eat in fast Add a hyphen
ready-made
food
place
. And after a few Fix the agreement mistake
places
Change to a plural noun
years
year
Add a comma
year,
this
expirement
showed a significant result Correct your spelling
experiment
on
the environment where most Change preposition
in
of
Change preposition
apply
children
and adults are living a health
lifestyle and their life expectancy has Replace the word
healthy
incresed
.
In conclusion, the main cause of Correct your spelling
increased
children
being unhealth
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
was
the Wrong verb form
is
involvment
of Correct your spelling
involvement
Add an article
the internet
internet
in every daily activity and the Capitalize word
Internet
lack
Change the verb form
lacking
money
and Change preposition
of money
knowldge
Correct your spelling
knowledge
parent
have Fix the agreement mistake
parents
toward
junk Change preposition
about
food
. Government, schools and parents can play a great role motivating
Change preposition
in motivating
children
to maintain a healthy lifestyle.Submitted by safayahia63 on
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coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to improve coherence and to make your essay more engaging. This would involve using a mix of complex and simple sentences effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing your paragraphs with clearer topic sentences. Each paragraph should start with a clear statement that signals the main idea to the reader, which helps in maintaining logical flow and coherence.
task achievement
It's important to maintain focus on the task given. While you've addressed the causes and solutions, some points could be elaborated further for a deeper analysis. Providing more detailed examples and data where possible would strengthen your argument and task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Though they're minor, correcting these will polish your essay and make it clearer to the reader. It’s helpful to proofread your work before submitting.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion that bookend your essay effectively, which helps in presenting a complete argument.
task achievement
Using a real-life example (e.g., the statistics and efforts by the Ministry of Health) provides credibility and supports your main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay successfully identify key issues contributing to childhood obesity and suggests practical solutions, which shows good understanding of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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