IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned , while others believe that people should be free to do any sports or activities . Discuss both views and give your opinion . Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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There are different opinions about banning or freeing dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
 among individuals. I believe that dangerous exercise should be forbidden. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of
this
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 argument. On the one hand,
people
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 should do safe
sports
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 for many reasons.
Firstly
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,
people
Use synonyms
 may face a lot of health-related challenges throughout life
such
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 as car accidents, earthquakes, cancer, etc. So it is better not to increase these challenges by doing dangerous
sports
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.
Secondly
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, These
sports
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 are risky and may cause serious injuries to the person or others, which fills the space of hospitals and may disrupt the treatment process of patients with special conditions,
for example
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, If a boxer is in a coma
due to
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 a fight, it will occupy the hospital's ICU.
Finally
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, if serious
sports
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 lead to financial or personal damage, namely accidents in car racing, it will increase government spending.
On the other hand
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, because of the reasons that I say in
this
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 paragraph dangerous
sports
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 should not be prevented.
Initially
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, freedom is an important thing in
people
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’s vita and it should be respected so everybody can do any
sport
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 they like,
such
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 as motorsports.
Furthermore
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, several humans think that a
sport
Use synonyms
 is more exciting if it is risky, they like the endorphin hormone.
For instance
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,
bull riding
Correct your spelling
bullriding
 may cause damage to bulls and other
people
Use synonyms
 but many individuals like it and makes them happy. In conclusion, many
people
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 think that dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
 should be limited and the rest of them do not think so. In my belief,
sport
Use synonyms
 is for health and it is not true that because of
sport
Use synonyms
 and excitement, folk harm themselves or others.

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introduction
Work on introducing your essay with a clearer paraphrase of the question and a more straightforward thesis statement outlining your position and the main points you will discuss.
coherence
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Use 'firstly,' 'secondly,' etc., to structure your arguments logically.
cohesion
Include more cohesive devices to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs better. Moreover, try to avoid repetition of phrases and ideas to enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
Make sure to provide more balanced coverage of the views. While your opinion may align with one side, discussing both views equally ensures task achievement.
examples
Use more specific examples to support your arguments. Generic examples weaken the impact of your points. Draw from a wider range of sources or hypothetical scenarios.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public safety
  • strain on public health resources
  • individual freedom
  • autonomy
  • personal growth
  • resilience
  • sense of accomplishment
  • proper regulations
  • safety measures
  • economic benefits
  • revenue from tourism
  • hosting events
  • injuries
  • fatalities
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