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Writing Samples
Band 6

Give your opinion about soccer and the money invested in that sport

#soccer #money #sport
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A
lot
 of
money
 is spent
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 football;
however
, some people believe that it is a beneficial
investement
Correct your spelling
investment
,
while
 others object to that. In
this
 report, I will go through the merits and demerits of that, and
then
 allow me
to conclude
 my point of view. Investing in soccer is beneficial, useful, profitable, and strategic.
To begin
 with, many reports capture that the percentage of exercising reached its peak after introducing football;
as a consequence
, many countries have invested in
this
 sport to increase the population's fitness.
Besides
 that, many people share
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media that they feel excited to play after watching
such
sport
Correct article usage
a sport
show examples
, so it is a beneficial way to motivate citizens to start exercising.
In addition
, some countries acknowledge that they earn
money
 after each match because residents buy shirts, tickets, and food.
Also
, a
lot
 of tourists travel to watch the matches, so governments will not lose their
money
. Even though the points mentioned above are influencing, there are reverse points that hold equal influence. To illustrate that, there are more important cases
such
 as poverty, healthcare, environment, and education;
as a result
, it is essential to improve these aspects
instead
 of paying
money
 for games.
For example
, many articles show that free healthcare in a
lot
 of regions is extremely bad.
Additionally
, many poor people suffer because their governments do not give them salaries.
Moreover
, the environment suffers from a
lot
 of issues
such
 as global warming, climate change, and
creatures'
Change noun form
creatures
show examples
 decline, so finding ideal solutions for these problems is more useful compared to investing in football. In conclusion,
although
 investing
money
 in soccer is useful, helpful, and profitable, there are other, and more important, cases that governments should concentrate on;
however
, I completely disagree with spending
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it.
Submitted by haneenalnetaif on

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task achievement
Ensure to maintain a balance in discussing both viewpoints before concluding to enhance task achievement.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or data to support your arguments for a stronger task response.
coherence cohesion
Using a wider range of linking words and phrases can enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
You've done an excellent job providing a clear introduction and conclusion which presents your viewpoint effectively.
coherence cohesion
Good job on structuring your essay in a logical manner that guides the reader through your argument cohesively.
task achievement
Your discussion on both merits and demerits of investing in soccer before stating your conclusion shows a well-balanced approach.
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