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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Young people are highly influenced by famous people and they look up to them as role models. Is that a positive or negative development?

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Young
people
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 are highly influenced by famous
people
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 and they look up to them as
role
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 models. Is that a positive or negative development? Nowadays, the majority of our young generations are following
the
Correct article usage
apply
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celebrities on social media, especially the youngsters who are inspired by their lifestyles and want to emulate them. In my opinion, choosing a
role
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 model could have negative effects. The forthcoming essay shall discuss that the disadvantages of
this
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 issue outweigh the advantages. On one hand, following famous
people
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 might have several destructive effects on the children’s
life
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lives
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.
Firstly
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, individuals often share the bright sides of their
live
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lives
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not
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, not
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 their
hardship
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hardships
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. Adolescents would compare themselves to these luxurious lifestyles, which may lead them to feel inadequate.
Secondly
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, the truth that each person has a unique gift could disappear because children do not focus on their abilities, they simply emulate the talents of
well- known
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well-known
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 individuals, and if they do not succeed they may become depressed.
Finally
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, some celebrities gain fame and wealth
due to
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 their inner gift, which are not necessarily the best option for
teenager
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teenagers
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 to choose as
role
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 models.
For instance
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, Diego Maradona was an excellent football player but he did not follow a professional lifestyle,
in contrast
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, he struggled with addiction during his golden career years. Despite
this
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, his extraordinary talent helped him remain at
the
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his
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 peak for many years.
On the other hand
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, sometimes the young generations need a source of inspiration to motivate them and push them to follow their dreams. The teenagers could be inspired by reading the biographies of successful
people
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 and understanding their struggles.
Moreover
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, believing in a famous person could boost their confidence and motivation.
For instance
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, millions of
people
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 are influenced by Cristiano Ronaldo
due to
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 his remarkable performance on
football
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the football
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 field and his hardworking personality. In conclusion, it is wise for young
people
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 to choose
role
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model
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models
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 aligned with their goals, but they must be careful in selecting
right
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the right
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 person.

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Language Use
Ensure a more varied and advanced use of language to enhance clarity and engagement in your argument.
Task Response
Expand on the drawbacks with more in-depth analysis or additional examples to strengthen your argument.
Content Development
Consider using more specific examples to illustrate positive influences of celebrities, to balance your discussion.
Position Consistency
Maintain a clear stance throughout the essay, while discussing both views, to meet task requirements fully.
Structure
You've effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Example Usage
Good use of examples to support your points, such as the reference to Diego Maradona and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Balanced Discussion
You have clearly addressed both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
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