IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Parents who send their children to study abroad. Discuss advantages and disadvantages.

#parents #children #study
In
this
 modern world, a large number of parents register their
children
 to
study
 overseas.
Along with
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I am going to discuss
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the advantages and disadvantages of
this
 phenomenon, based on my perspective I strongly agree that
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
education
 abroad become
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
trand
Correct your spelling
trend
 in
this
recently
Change the adverb
recent
show examples
 era. First of all,
parents
Change preposition
for parents
show examples
 who send their
children
 to
study
 abroad it
is become
Change to the active voice
becomes
has become
show examples
 the best way to secure
bright
Correct article usage
a bright
show examples
 future for their
children
, I absolutely trust that these
step
Fix the agreement mistake
steps
show examples
 can enhance their
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 development in many
aspect
Change to a plural noun
aspects
show examples
. especially, for people who live in
bugeoning
Correct word choice
a big
show examples
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
where
show examples
 are do not have great
education
 quality so that if they make
decision
Add an article
the decision
a decision
show examples
 to
study
abroab
Correct your spelling
abroad
 they could gain
best
Change the article
the best
show examples
 quality of
education
.
Moreover
, Pupils could
lern
Correct your spelling
learn
 about new
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 and
also
 can feel
live
Correct your spelling
alive
show examples
 in
Correct article usage
an advance
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
country
.
For instance
, numerous mature people in my
country
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Indonesia there are send their
children
 to
study
 abroad
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Australia
due to
 over there have great
education
 quality
furthermore
 the government allow international
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to take
parttime
Correct your spelling
part-time
show examples
 jobs,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is useful because it will
be help
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 students to fulfil their needs, those things become the advantages of
study
 abroad.
on the other hand
, those
phenomenon
Change the determiner
phenomena
show examples
 contain few
drawback
Change to a plural noun
drawbacks
show examples
such
 as. The primary issue is
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
 cost of taking
edocation
Correct your spelling
education
 in
other
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
country
, it will be
big
Correct article usage
a big
show examples
 problem
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 family do not have enough money to do that. The second one is they can
Add a missing verb
be infuence
show examples
infuence
Correct your spelling
influenced
 with
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 eventually they could inclosed to
wrong
Change the article
the wrong
show examples
 environment. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the
adventages
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 abroad outweigh
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the disadvantages.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my point of view, taking
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
 overseas in
Add an article
the advance
an advance
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
country
become
Verb problem
is
show examples
 the best action to gain
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 future.
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the question by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad. However, more specific examples and a clearer distinction between your ideas could further enhance readability and persuasiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are generally organized, but transitions between sections can be smoother. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance flow and coherence between your points.
task achievement
You have introduced a strong stance on the topic, which is good for engaging readers and setting the direction of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, reiterating that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which provides a clear closure to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: