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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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These days,
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time on smartphones and other smart devices.
Due to
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 that, they have to suffer through mental, physical and emotional challenges at a very young age.
Hence
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, to me,
this
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 is a negative development and
this
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 essay will provide reasons behind my view. To start with, there can be various reasons behind
children
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 actively using technology. After the covid, many schools have now shifted their lectures online and
due to
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 that many
children
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 were introduced to smartphones.
Furthermore
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, many
children
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 prefer to play games online rather than physically playing in nature.
For example
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,
due to
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 a lack of family time, many parents allow their
children
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 to play online games so they don't have to pay much attention to them and they can enjoy their leisure time.
Hence
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, parents are equally responsible as they fail to control their
children
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 for
this
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 habit.
Due to
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this
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, many
children
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 face multiple health challenges at a young age.
Due to
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 a lack of physical activities and longer screen times, many young individuals experience obesity.
Also
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, some of them suffer from eye diseases
due to
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 the emission of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
UV radiation.
For instance
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, my brother suffered from mental trauma because he was addicted to violent games and he is still not able to recover. The youth is suffering and
hence
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, I consider it as a huge negative development. In conclusion, I believe there are multiple reasons behind
children
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 using smartphones at a very early stage but the outcomes are more dangerous.
However
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, there can be many solutions to solve
this
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 central problem. But for now,
this
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 is a huge negative development.
Submitted by tirththakkar23 on

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Language use
Although your essay presents a clear position and relevant examples, try to introduce a wider range of sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the complexity and fluency of your arguments.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on ideas with further explanation or additional examples, especially in the body paragraphs. This will strengthen your argument and help achieve a higher score for task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence, transitional phrases can be used more effectively to create smoother connections between sentences and ideas.
Structure
Your essay has a clear structure, with a pronounced introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which is excellent for coherence and cohesion.
Examples
You effectively use examples to support your points, making your arguments more persuasive.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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