IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do agree or dis agree ?.

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There is no denying the fact that
education
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 is a vital thing in our lives.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that full-time
education
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 should be given to adolescents until they are 18 years old, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I totally agree with
this
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 view.
To begin
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, the
education
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 of children should follow a full-time program until they reach 18 years old,
this
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 concept will provide them with many benefits.
In other words
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, they will focus only on their studies, so the prospect of achieving success will be high.
In addition
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,
this
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 opportunity allows them to contact their teachers and tutors for a long time, so they can learn ethical principles in a way, which encourages them to be active members of their societies. Another point to consider is that the risk of children going astray becomes very low because they spend the vast majority of their time in school, or institutes. It is
also
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 possible to say that they will have a lot of time, so they can practice various activities,
such
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 as playing music, painting, drawing, or sculpture.
Moreover
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, the probability of discovering talented students in various fields will rise, and the teachers should help and support them.
For instance
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, the well-known British scientist, William Perkin was a gifted student in chemistry and his teacher supported him, he made a breakthrough in the manufacture of industrial dies of fabrics. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I tend to believe that if students get full-time
education
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 programs until 18 years old, tremendous positive impacts will accomplished for students and their countries. Surely, they will play a great role in the progress of their nations.

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Task Achievement
To improve task achievement, aim to provide a more diverse range of examples and evidence. While the mention of William Perkin adds value, incorporating examples from different contexts or areas could strengthen your argument further.
Coherence & Cohesion
While your essay has good logical structure, introduction, and conclusion, it's beneficial to ensure that all paragraphs smoothly transition from one to the next. Using a range of cohesive devices beyond basic linking words could enhance the flow of ideas further.
Coherence & Cohesion
When developing your main points, consider expanding on how full-time education until 18 impacts societal progress more specifically. This would enrich the support for your argument and provide a deeper analysis.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay has a clear thesis statement and conclusion, effectively outlining your stance and summarizing key points.
Task Achievement
You have successfully supported your main arguments with relevant examples, particularly the reference to William Perkin, which adds credibility and interest to your writing.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic, with clear articulation of your viewpoint and logical argumentation supporting it.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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