IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged others believe that children who are thought to co operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co #adults
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In today's modern age,
people
 think that it is necessary to form a sense of
competition
 in children
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 And how true it is,
what
Correct word choice
and what
show examples
 results we can achieve with it. Our promotion of
competition
 will have an impact on our future, we will explain
such
 questions more clearly in the next bodies. Now we are in a modernized era, so the feeling of learning and making and teaching others is
also
 forming in our young generations.
In addition
, their peers around them are
also
 learning from talented young
people
. the boy was encouraged for his creativity and was given gifts, the students who saw him wanted to get the same gifts and competed with him.
Competition
 is equal to others based on one's level of knowledge And my opinion is that
such
 students should be encouraged and their creativity should be supported No doubt where there is
competition
 there is growth But
on the other hand
,
according to
people
's opinions, they think that it is better for children to cooperate rather than compete.
For example
, if two entrepreneurs join together, they will achieve a great result and help as many
people
 as possible. It causes them to do great things. Cooperation is good, but if any person does his own business, an entrepreneur can employ the poor and reduce poverty.
People
 should support each other in any situation. In conclusion, there are many open volunteers in our country and they have the right to be encouraged in their creativity and work.
Competition
 exists in every business.
Moreover
, the head of our state supports entrepreneurs and businessmen and encourages them.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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Task Achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses all parts of the task. Your introduction should more explicitly refer to the topic and the two views. It would also benefit from a clearer thesis statement expressing your stance.
Task Achievement
In discussing both views, make sure to give equal attention and development to each. While you have provided examples, expanding on these with more detail and analysis would strengthen your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to clearly signal the relationship between ideas and paragraphs. This will make your essay easier to follow.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your conclusion should summarise the main points made in your essay and clearly restate your own opinion. This helps to provide a clear and effective ending to your discussion.
Task Achievement
You provided examples to support your points, which is good practice.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for a well-organized response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sense of competition
  • motivation and personal growth
  • competitive environment
  • strong work ethic
  • real-life scenarios
  • stand out and differentiate
  • essential social skills
  • common goals
  • personal and professional life
  • community and collective success
  • shared success
  • altruistic and compassionate behavior
  • reduce pressure and anxiety
  • less stressful
  • enhanced mental well-being
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