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Band 7

Nowadays children are experiencing increased educational, social and commercial pressure. What are the reasons for this? What can be a solution to reduce the pressure?

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Introduction
offspring become under pressure from a variety of aspects
such
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 as education, society and commerce. The writer of
this
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 essay will reveal the reasons
as well as
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 the solutions to address
this
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 issue.
Body paragraph 1
It is vital to understand that desire from
parents
Use synonyms
 is considered as the root of
this
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 problem.
In other words
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, to help their offspring become better and more genius, the
parents
Use synonyms
 will force them to study a part in order to have a good career in the future which can help them to earn a piece of money leading to a wealthy and lavish lifestyle.
For instance
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, apart from curricula at school, some students are often forced to study some additional way
such
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 as financial, and communication development.
As a consequence
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, offspring are likely to become depressed.
Body paragraph 2
Another point worth considering is the fast development of technology. To explain
further
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, since information technology improves,
this
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 leads to the expansion of a wide range of knowledge. If the offspring can not grasp
this
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 knowledge, they are not able to catch up with the others and become obsolete.
This
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 results in surrender
as well as
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 suffering from a field of pressure.
Body paragraph 3
To tackle
this
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 issue,
parents
Use synonyms
 should make a plan for their offspring. To clarify, because of studying
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 area
as well as
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 being stressed, the caregivers had better make schedules so as to balance study and entertainment.
Therefore
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, it can help offspring prevent the pressures.
Moreover
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, enrolling in a mental series is another measure to solve
this
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 problem. To simplify,
instead
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 of letting students engage in financial development, the caregivers should register for the mental system which provides them with a part of different methods to prevent depression.
For instance
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, a psychology course will instruct the students to meditate in the right way or other activities relevant to entertainment.
Conclusion
In conclusion, offspring are facing pressures which are caused by several factors
such
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 as education, society, and commerce. I believe that the primary reasons are
parents
Use synonyms
' expectations
along with
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 the fast revolution of technology.
However
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, these causes are likely to be addressed by making schedules
as well as
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 registering psychological programs for their offspring.

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fluency
Try to use more varied sentence structures to improve the fluency and readability of your essay. Diversifying your sentence types can make your argument more compelling.
coherence
Work on including clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to improve the coherence of your essay. This will help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
grammar
Check for grammar and word choice errors to make your essay more polished. For example, instead of 'offspring become under pressure', you can write 'children are under pressure'.
argumentation
Elaborate your arguments with more depth. Rather than stating general reasons, provide specifics and real-world examples to strengthen your points.
introduction
Your essay begins with a clear introduction that outlines the issue and what you plan to discuss.
conclusion
You provide a structured conclusion that summarizes your main points and provides solutions, which wraps up the essay effectively.
content
You've identified relevant reasons and solutions for the issue, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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