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Writing Samples /
Band 4

In yhe modern world people no longer need to use food or products from animals such as medicine and clothing. Do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#yhe #world #people #food #products #animals #medicine
Since ancient times, humans have used numerous products in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 made of animal skins and bones. As people evolve and technology gets more advanced, a variety of things are developed in the laboratory, using other modes to manufacture clothes,
medicines
Correct word choice
and medicines
show examples
.
However
, many companies are still dependent on wild
animals
 for their manufacturing goods. I slightly agree with
this
 statement.
First,
as the majority of textile and pharmaceutical companies are concentrating on climate change and the diversity of animal species, they are avoiding using
animals
.
For instance
, Fiquetex Textile has never used any kind of animal for making fabrics.
Furthermore
, there are a range of industries that rely on
animals
,
such
 as Oeka-Tex and many more.
Similarly
, in
case
Correct article usage
the case
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 of
Pharmaceutical
Correct article usage
the Pharmaceutical
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 industries, either they are testing on
animals
 before launching the medicine or making medication
by
Change preposition
from
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 their body products. In spite of all these, to save the
animals
Change noun form
animal's
animals'
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 diversity, the majority of people converted themselves to veganism.
As a result
, vegetarians are increasing in number, and they are
also
 becoming aware of climate change. Another reason for the scarcity of
animals
 is that they are unable to meet demand and supply chains as required. In conclusion ,
while
 many people
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
show examples
 use
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
 for their
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 life
requirement
Fix the agreement mistake
requirements
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 still there are some
rely
Correct pronoun usage
who rely
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animals
.
Submitted by mayamayurakshi636 on

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coherence cohesion
To strengthen your essay, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea that supports your argument, using clear topic sentences. This will help improve clarity and cohesion.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will provide a more convincing argument and improve task achievement.
task achievement
Consider refining your introduction and conclusion to more directly address the question posed. Clearly stating your stance in the introduction and summarizing your argument in the conclusion can enhance task response.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in delivering a coherent argument.
task achievement
You've shown a good understanding of the topic by discussing relevancy to modern technology and changing societal values toward animal use.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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