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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that children should continue schooling until 18 years old while others suggest that schooling till 14 years of age is enough. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

#people #children #years #age
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These days, some individuals claim that
students
Use synonyms
 at schools should
study
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 until 18
years
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 of age
however
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 others believe that it is adequate to
study
Use synonyms
 up to 14
years
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 old. On the one hand, some people argue that
students
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 should learn at
school
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 to get 18
years
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 old. Schools provide them with several advantages.
Firstly
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, it gives them more opportunity to grow up with the best knowledge qualification.
Secondly
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, studying for a long
time
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 at
school
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 prepares them physically and mentally for
university
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 education.
For example
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, by finishing the year and starting each new year
school
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 will teach different new subjects.
As a result
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, studying for a long
time
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 will let them have the best quality education.
On the other hand
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, some individuals claim that studying for
school
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students
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 up to age 14 is enough. They explain that studying more than 14
years
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 old will be a waste of
time
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 for
students
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.
Therefore
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, finishing
school
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 early leads them to start
university
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 early and have more experience.
For instance
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, when
students
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 finish
university
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 early, they might have
time
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 to do some volunteer work to improve their skills.
Consequently
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, it is adequate for
students
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 to
study
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 up to age 14 at
school
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.
To conclude
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,
by
Change preposition
according to
show examples
 the beliefs of some populations, pupils should
study
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 at
school
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 until 18
years
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 old.
However
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, others don’t agree and the statement they said
study
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 for a long period will waste
student’s
Change noun form
students’
show examples
time
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. I think studying up to 18
years
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 old will help
students
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 have the best
time
Use synonyms
 management in the future and make them ready for
university
Use synonyms
 education.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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sentence variety
To enhance your writing, consider varying your sentence structures more to demonstrate a wide range of language skills. While your essay is logically structured, incorporating complex sentences and a mix of sentence types could further improve coherence.
detailed examples
Although your essay presents clear arguments and examples, integrating more specific, detailed examples could provide stronger support for your points. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or more concrete scenarios.
opinion clarity in introduction
Your opinion is presented at the end of the essay, which is fine, but consider introducing it more clearly in your introduction as well. This approach will enhance the coherence of your essay by aligning the readers' expectations with your conclusion from the beginning.
logical flow
Your essay has a clear structure, with a logical flow from introduction to conclusion, effectively guiding the reader through your arguments.
balanced discussion
You have done well to discuss both views in a balanced manner, offering a fair presentation of each perspective before stating your own position.
effective conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay’s main points and reiterates your personal stance, strengthening the overall coherence and cohesion of your writing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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