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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subject such as information technology. To what extent do you agree.

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Some people believe that the purpose of education is to prepare children and students for the problems that the modern world creates rather than teaching them
art
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 and
music
Use synonyms
 so that they fully focus on something more useful like information technology. The fact that the
art
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 and
music
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 are not useful at all is disagreed. Analyzing developed countries care and their education system teaches about it will
further
Linking Words
 prove
this
Linking Words
 point.
Firstly
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,
art
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 and
music
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 are as important and vital as science and technology for a
country
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 to fully develop and improve.
Moreover
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, it means that a
country
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 which does not care about the importance of
art
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 and
music
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 lost one of their vital veins, metaphorically.
For instance
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, the fact that not having any
art
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 or
music
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 displays a currently developing
country
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 that it is in fact not developed, decreases the reputation of that
country
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.
Secondly
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,
art
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 and
music
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 are the most influential crowd-control tools for the government. In that case, they are not going to let go of one of the strongest weapons that they have so as to make a small group of people happy.
For example
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, the government may change the opinion of a large majority of society with the help of
art
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 and
music
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.
Therefore
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, it is not wise to cut out of curriculum, when it is an effective way to control it. To summarize, the vitality of both
art
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 and
music
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 is not deniable nor ignorable.
Moreover
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, they can change people's perspectives effectively and create a butterfly effect whose effects start small and get bigger and bigger over the course.
Thus
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, the idea of cutting out the subjects of
art
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 and
music
Use synonyms
 can not be supported or applied in the near future.
However
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, extending school time may be the solution to teach more subjects
along with
Linking Words
art
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 and
music
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.

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Task Achievement
To enhance your task achievement score, ensure that your argument directly addresses the question prompt and presents a clear opinion from the beginning. Including a concise thesis statement would sharpen your position.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your main points. This will help in making your argument more persuasive and comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on aligning your paragraphs and ideas more effectively. Ensuring each paragraph has a clear, single focus that ties back to your main argument will improve readability and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for your essay, refining them to more directly reflect your main arguments and summaries will enhance their impact.
Content
You show an understanding of the importance of art and music in education, making valid arguments for their inclusion.
Structure
The structure of your essay generally follows a clear logical progression, making it easier for readers to follow your argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion summarizes your stance effectively, reiterating the importance of art and music in a balanced education.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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