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Band 7.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
Some
people
 argue that achieving success depends on many factors
such
 as finance and outlook, others,
however
, believe that
effort
 and persistence have a positive impact on individuals.
This
 essay will examine both views and explain why I lean towards the latter. On the one hand, there are two main reasons why some
people
 feel that having money and appearance benefits
people
. The first one is money can provide individuals access to education, and networking opportunities that can help them achieve their goals. Students spend money on pursuing higher education and enrolling in courses which help enhance their knowledge and various vital skills to open doors to better job opportunities. Another reason is that appearance plays a vital role in working. First impressions will create a good look and conveniently apply to work. Thereby, the images are central which builds conditions for those who work in fashion areas.
On the other hand
, I side with those who say that hard work and
effort
 are the key opponents
Change preposition
to
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 success.
Firstly
, individuals who are willing to put in the
effort
 and persistence through challenges are more likely to achieve their goals, regardless of their background or financial situation. These important factors are easily navigate the obstacles and continue working towards their goals.
For instance
, Mrs Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, was rejected by 12 publishers before Bloomsbury agreed to publish the book. Her determination created some breakthroughs that helped her become more famous. Another explanation is helping develop some crucial skills
such
 as problem-solving which is useful in many areas of life.
Therefore
, these vital elements bring some benefits to
people
 in our daily lives. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 say that it is better for students to invest in appearance, I am deeply convinced that persistence and
effort
 play a more vital role
besides
 the above-mentioned reasons.

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language
Your essay could benefit from some minor grammatical adjustments and refinements in phrasing to enhance clarity and readability.
development
Adding a few more specific examples and varying sentence structures could enrich your discussion and make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You delivered a balanced discussion of both perspectives on the topic, and your reasoning is clear and structured.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, clearly stating the essay's purpose and summarizing the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is solid, with each paragraph supporting the main argument coherently.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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