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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys the play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children having a large number of toys?

#parents #children #toys #play
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Some fathers and mothers gave their kids a great deal of
toys
Use synonyms
 to play
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 I think
this
Linking Words
 is a double-edged sword, and I will discuss the pros and cons in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, in my opinion, it is a waste of money to purchase them.
Toys
Use synonyms
 are vital for every kid, but we should not give them too many, because they might not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to play with them, and soon after they will throw them away.
As a result
Linking Words
, it is not worth doing it. Children should have some activities
such
Linking Words
 as sports, games, music, and so on in their daily lives
instead
Linking Words
 of playing
Use synonyms
toys
Change preposition
with toys
show examples
 all day long.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I remember in my childhood, my mom did not buy anything I asked her. She only chose a few of them for my presents. I do not know what would it be
if
Change preposition
like if
show examples
 I had
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of
toys
Use synonyms
. Maybe, I will have a lot of fun and have a memorable childhood. Kids should have a good
time
Use synonyms
, and play a lot because when they grow up, they will have no
time
Use synonyms
 for playing and adults usually have so many things
need
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to worry about. They are not happy all the
time
Use synonyms
. Many of my friends think life is a tragedy. In a nutshell, I do not know which one is the better one, but I would like to say kids should be happy and play as much as they can. If they have a lot of
toys
Use synonyms
, they may not have the
time
Use synonyms
 for them.
Toys
Use synonyms
 are not the only things that can satisfy children. Children can do many things like dancing, doing exercise, going on a trip, playing an instrument, and so forth for fun.
Submitted by edward300225 on

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Task Achievement
Clarify and develop your main arguments more explicitly to improve task achievement. For instance, when discussing the advantages and disadvantages of children having many toys, provide clear examples and evidence to support each point.
Coherence & Cohesion
Incorporate varied linking phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion. While your essay has a logical structure, utilizing a wider range of cohesive devices can make the progression of ideas smoother.
Task Achievement
To further improve, consider balancing the discussion of advantages and disadvantages more evenly, providing equal attention and development to each side.
Coherence & Cohesion
You successfully introduce the topic and provide a clear conclusion, effectively framing your discussion.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, engaging with both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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