IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

New Technology have changes the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#technology #changes #children #time
With the recent technological improvement, there is a shift towards how
kids
 spend their
time
 off.
Although
 it may lead to them having less
time
 playing outside, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because
technology
 brings more opportunities for the young ones to learn new pieces of information Nowadays,
children
 would rather stay inside their houses than play with their friends outside since the majority of parents have a new habit of giving their
children
 their own gadgets that they can use in their homes to accompany them in their free
time
.
Therefore
, the amount of
time
 that the youngster spends outdoors is lessened as each day passes.
For instance
, the playground that used to be filled with youth on the weekend has been abandoned.
However
, I believe that with the right instructions,
this
 emerging
technology
 might be beneficial for
kids
 to gain outside knowledge. The adults have an important role in introducing their
children
 to learning new things through technological devices.
This
 is because the common trend of
technology
 use in parenting is so that their son and daughter can play games on it.
Thus
, young
children
 must be told that gadgets can be used for learning too. Take the internet for an example, the number of free learning content that they can use to enrich their knowledge is enormous.
This
 could be a new way to gain knowledge without building boundaries. In conclusion, even though the development in
technology
 may reduce the amount of
time
 the
kids
 experience the outside world, it is my belief that with the right instructions, the
kids
 can gain a lot of benefits in using their personal gadgets
Submitted by Azami on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

example
Your essay has presented a balanced view on the topic effectively, but could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
detail
Consider expanding on how technology can positively impact children's learning specifically, illustrating with concrete examples or statistics if possible, to enhance your argument's persuasiveness.
structure
Your essay structure is clear, with an appropriate introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To further improve coherence, try linking ideas more explicitly between paragraphs.
style
Try to vary your sentence structures and use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay's readability and richness.
content
The essay successfully addresses the pros and cons of new technology on children's free time, maintaining a clear position throughout.
structure
Good use of introductory and concluding paragraphs to frame your essay's argument
argument
Your main points are supported by reasoning, showing an understanding of the task's requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: