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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

New Technology have changes the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?

#technology #changes #children #time
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With the recent technological improvement, there is a shift towards how
kids
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 spend their
time
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 off.
Although
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 it may lead to them having less
time
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 playing outside, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because
technology
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 brings more opportunities for the young ones to learn new pieces of information Nowadays,
children
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 would rather stay inside their houses than play with their friends outside since the majority of parents have a new habit of giving their
children
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 their own gadgets that they can use in their homes to accompany them in their free
time
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.
Therefore
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, the amount of
time
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 that the youngster spends outdoors is lessened as each day passes.
For instance
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, the playground that used to be filled with youth on the weekend has been abandoned.
However
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, I believe that with the right instructions,
this
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 emerging
technology
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 might be beneficial for
kids
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 to gain outside knowledge. The adults have an important role in introducing their
children
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 to learning new things through technological devices.
This
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 is because the common trend of
technology
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 use in parenting is so that their son and daughter can play games on it.
Thus
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, young
children
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 must be told that gadgets can be used for learning too. Take the internet for an example, the number of free learning content that they can use to enrich their knowledge is enormous.
This
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 could be a new way to gain knowledge without building boundaries. In conclusion, even though the development in
technology
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 may reduce the amount of
time
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 the
kids
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 experience the outside world, it is my belief that with the right instructions, the
kids
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 can gain a lot of benefits in using their personal gadgets
Submitted by Azami on

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example
Your essay has presented a balanced view on the topic effectively, but could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
detail
Consider expanding on how technology can positively impact children's learning specifically, illustrating with concrete examples or statistics if possible, to enhance your argument's persuasiveness.
structure
Your essay structure is clear, with an appropriate introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To further improve coherence, try linking ideas more explicitly between paragraphs.
style
Try to vary your sentence structures and use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay's readability and richness.
content
The essay successfully addresses the pros and cons of new technology on children's free time, maintaining a clear position throughout.
structure
Good use of introductory and concluding paragraphs to frame your essay's argument
argument
Your main points are supported by reasoning, showing an understanding of the task's requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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