IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the government, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #responsibility #government #individuals
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In our generation, the growing number of obese
people
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 has become a crucial problem. There is a debate if
governments
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 should take
the
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apply
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responsibility
regarding
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for
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 the rising number of
obesity
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 or if
this
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 is a problem for individuals to solve. In my opinion,
governments
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 have a huge responsibility to prevent
obesity
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and declare my opinion.
Firstly
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, I think the real
reason
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 behind
obesity
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 is processed
foods
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.
For
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this
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reason
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, the more human beings consume these GM
foods
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, the more they gain weight.
For instance
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,
people
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 who eat organic fruits and vegetables daily, have
lower
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a lower
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 risk
to become
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of becoming
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an
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apply
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obese.
Moreover
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, consuming processed
foods
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cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 blood sugar fluctuation and
make
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makes
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people
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 unable to move enough. Eventually,
people
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 who eat lots of non-organic and unhealthy products will take more calories and feel lazy day by day. In the
end
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end,
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this
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 will cause
obesity
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. Regarding
this
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 information,
governments
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 are definitely responsible
to prevent
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for preventing
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obesity
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 among
public
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the public
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 because the first and biggest
reason
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of
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for
show examples
obesity
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 is the GM products
which
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apply
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produced by
governments
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. Authorities need to move faster
for trading
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to trade
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 more natural
foods
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 for
people
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 and encourage them not to buy toxic ones.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 may think that every person is responsible
with
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for
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 their actions,
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however
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however,
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 individuals may have not any chance to choose what to eat.
Although
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, as a human, we have our own conscious to decide whether we should consume or not,
the
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apply
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society does not provide enough choices for us.
Additionally
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, the system pushes
people
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 to buy GM
foods
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 because these are more affordable and
also
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 easy to find in regular markets.
For
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this
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reason
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, a lot of
people
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 tend to spend money on chemical food products rather than organic ones.
Finally
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,
people
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have
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do have
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 not enough right to choose the better option. In conclusion,
governments
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 are the first responsible to take care of
obesity
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. After authorities produce healthier
foods
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,
people
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 will have a chance to achieve those and
obesity
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 will be reduced.
Submitted by fyzalkac on

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Language Use
Ensure a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate language flexibility and precision.
Example Integration
While discussing both views, try to integrate examples more specifically to illustrate your points clearly.
Conclusion Strengthening
In your conclusion, reinforce your opinion with a succinct summary of the key reasons supporting it to leave a strong final impression.
Balanced Discussion
Consider deepening the analysis of individual responsibility for a more balanced discussion.
Introduction
You effectively introduced the topic and your opinion, providing a good foundation for your essay.
Structure and Clarity
You've shown clear paragraphing and organization of ideas which aids readability and coherence.
Position Clarity
Your essay presents a clear position throughout, which meets the task requirements effectively.
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