IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many places today, rapid lifestyle changes are affecting family relationships. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

Bonding family relationships has always played a significant role in human lives.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
's lives have
met
Verb problem
experienced
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
excessive change
due to
Linking Words
 the rapid development in multiple areas. In my opinion, to some extent, the advantages ideed surpass the disadvantages in
this
Linking Words
 trend. The notion is that gathering time with families might be deprived by advanced electronic devices,
such
Linking Words
 as smartphones, video games and social media.
While
Linking Words
 it's true that a high proportion of teenagers immers themselves in the unreal world during the family reunion, there are benefits if they enjoy the devices through different methods.
For instance
Linking Words
, family members can participate in a group game with young children, which allows a deeper comprehension of what the young generation is obsessed with and afterwards creates more harmonious relationships.
Moreover
Linking Words
, rapid transportation offers effective commuting choices for
people
Use synonyms
 who live far apart from their families. Though some of the families may not meet quite often
due to
Linking Words
 the long distance, physical approaches like high-speed rails can truly improve the disadvantage.
Besides
Linking Words
, since remote working has become a popular working style in modern society, it provides enormous flexibility
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
Use synonyms
. Individuals are able to replace their commuting time with family gatherings,
while
Linking Words
 the deep bond with the
people
Use synonyms
 they love is the most valuable meaning that most
people
Use synonyms
 aspire
.
Change preposition
to.
show examples
 In conclusion, despite the debates between the advantages and disadvantages caused by the rapid lifestyle, I believe the advantages outweigh the other. As long as
people
Use synonyms
 apply approaches based on consideration and love,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family relationships can improve
further
Linking Words
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Enhancement
Ensure the examples you use are specific and directly support your main points. While you've done well, adding more details will strengthen your argument.
Consistency
Maintain this high level of structure in your essays, with clear introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusions.
Relevance
Keep focusing on the relevance of your examples to the topic. Relevant examples make your argument more convincing.
Structure
The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in understanding and engagement.
Task Response
You have effectively addressed the essay question, presenting a balanced view with support for your opinion.
Examples
Your use of examples, like family playing group games and the mention of high-speed rails, brings life to your arguments, despite the need for more specificity.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: