IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #technology #development #decreases #crime #crimes
Some individuals believe that the advancement of
technology
 reduces the number of felonies,
while
 others think it might even be associated with criminal acts. In my opinion,
technology
 had a negative effect on the crime rate that helped in the improvement of world security. As
technology
 progresses it is easier for a lot of companies and banks to utilise accounting systems to ease and speed the financial aspects of any transaction.
This
 involves using computers which might be hacked ,through either viral software by connecting to unknown devices
such
 as USB drives or CDs or through a website link. A lot of holes were involved that enabled the weak-hearted people to commit digital crimes.
However
,
technology
also
 helped in security and enforcing the law. preventing people from committing any potential crimes,
for instance
,
a clearly visible cameras
Correct the article-noun agreement
clearly visible cameras
a clearly visible camera
show examples
 placed in the convenience store corner can prevent shoplifters from stealing
due to
 the fear that they might get caught. In conclusion ,
while
technology
 development might open a new door for a new type of crime. It
also
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 provides highly innovative ways of improving security other than the traditional lock and key .
Submitted by fatimahalsalman215 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on diversifying your sentence structures to enhance readability and showcase a higher proficiency in written English.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, particularly in the paragraph where you discuss how technology aids in security. Detailed examples can greatly improve the level of task achievement.
Task Achievement
Make sure to explicitly state your own opinion along with a summary of the two views discussed, to enhance the clarity of your stance and overall task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing a good framework for your discussion.
Task Achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both views, which shows a good understanding of the essay topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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