IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people argue that art, such as paintings and music are a waste of money and and the government should spend this money on pubic service To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #art #paintings #music #waste #money #government #pubic #service
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Nowadays, many
people
 think that art, does not have any benefits to our community and
countries
 spend lots of money for nothing when they could spend
this
 money on our society.
However
, I have many states
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 prove that
this
 profession has been essential since life started.
Firstly
, the craft has been in our lives since the Stone Age, when our ancestors started to draw pictures on rocks.
In addition
, in our everyday life,
people
 have their own professions,
nevertheless
, they spend their free time drawing or painting pictures because most of them recognize that
this
 is the best way to get rid of negative energy and reduce stress.
On the other hand
, when
people
 calm themselves down in
this
 way, they start to be more productive in what they actually do.
Moreover
, some human beings argue that, when they start to listen to music, they are being more efficient in their work.
Secondly
, some
countries
such
 as France or Italy etc. increased their annual tourism level with their well-known paintings. In view of the fact that, many decades ago, governments of these
countries
 gave the value to the professionalists, that they deserve. Each year plenty of
people
 visit these
countries
, waiting in never-ending lines just to see these paintings and examine them from a very close distance.
Additionally
,
this
 demand,
also
 shows us that, how important the paintings are for humanity. All in all, the reasons and arguments show that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 art and music give pleasure to every human being and always welcoming for us.
That is
 why, the authority
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to spend some amount of money on the trade
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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coherence cohesion
The essay should more clearly separate different arguments into distinct paragraphs. This will enhance the logical structure and clarity of the essay.
coherence cohesion
A stronger conclusion could incorporate a brief summary of the main points discussed in the essay. This will help reinforce the arguments presented.
task achievement
Clarify and develop the main arguments with more depth and specific examples to improve the task achievement. For instance, how art helps in reducing stress and increasing productivity can be supported with studies or real-life examples.
task achievement
The essay has a clear introduction and attempts to cover various aspects of the topic, which is commendable.
task achievement
The use of historical context (Stone Age, famous countries like France and Italy) is a good strategy to support the main ideas.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion, while brief, concisely states the author's opinion and calls for the government to invest in art.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preservation
  • vital
  • essential components
  • fostering
  • continuity
  • economic benefits
  • job creation
  • psychological benefits
  • stress reduction
  • promote creativity
  • enhancement
  • balanced approach
  • complements
  • innovation
  • crucial skills
  • government investment
  • societal role
  • tourists
  • local spending
  • public services
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