IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why might this be the case? do you think this is positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #be #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In contemporary society, many youngsters prefer to spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 day on their electronic gadgets. The reasons behind
this
 phenomenon are mainly because of the cutting-edge technology of
this
 century which carries diverse outcomes; both beneficial and harmful ones.
Due to
 the prevalence of technology, children are bound to spend their leisure time on their mobile phones in order to be part of the community.
As a result
, nowadays many offspring contribute to online activities just to be part of the current trend which deprives them of physical means of communication.
Furthermore
, the bombardment of information
that is
 channelled through their smartphones makes it hard for them to find unrelated topics interesting. Take virtual reality as an example; after the inauguration of
this
 feature, children find it challenging to enjoy their day-to-day activities because it is not as exciting as a virtually colourful world with no boundaries.
While
this
 development can be considered useful for youngsters' educational purposes, I adhere to the belief that it brings around more chaos rather than aid.
Moreover
, the younger population of society are now more prone to various diseases
due to
 the lack of physical activities;
therefore
, lowers their chance of daily exposure to sunlight which can cause vitamin D deficiency. A recent study demonstrates that around half of the younger generation are suffering from eye conditions on a daily basis.
Additionally
, these people have a smaller circle of genuine companions and more superficial connections with their peers which would become problematic as they tend to get older. In a nutshell, the ubiquity of personal phones among children is mainly because of current social customs which require being online more often.
Consequently
,
this
 approach results in damaging effects that prevail over the positive ones.
Submitted by bita.rezaei7052 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The overall argument is well-structured and clear. However, provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your points. This can help to make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more varied vocabulary and the use of more complex sentence structures to enhance the level of sophistication in the writing.
coherence cohesion
Use paragraphs more effectively to separate different points. This will help to improve the organization and flow of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Be concise and clear in your explanations to avoid any ambiguity. Ensure that each point is explained sufficiently and logically connected to the next.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets the context and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
task achievement
Task response is generally good, with both positive and negative aspects addressed.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured and follows a logical progression of ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: