Some people say that schools should spend more money on computers, others say that more money should be spent on teachers' wages. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

Technology
plays
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
role in the
education
field but at the
sametime
Correct your spelling
same time
, an educator's salary
also
matters. An array of masses
suggest
Correct subject-verb agreement
suggests
show examples
that schools should spend cash on
technology
rather than the
teacher
's salary. I shall discuss both the situations in next paragraphs and provide my opinion. Some individuals say that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
"The
education
sector should spend funds on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computers and not on
teacher's
Change noun form
teachers'
show examples
payment
Fix the agreement mistake
payments
show examples
. I believe that both are important,
technology
education
and
also
teacher
's salary.
Education
related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
will give
students
knowledge about how to work on a computer and how to operate it in different ways.
For example
, It will be beneficial for
students
in future when they will work for a company.
Technology
will help
children
to become self-confident and
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
independent human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
. Other
group
Change the wording
groups
show examples
of individuals say that funds should be raised for giving salaries to
teachers
.
Teachers
play an active role in the field of
education
and they are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
who help
students
in different areas of the
education
field. If
teachers
are not satisfied with given wages, they will not give their best in providing the specific
education
to the
children
.
Moreover
, it will affect
children
's
education
and the whole society.
Teachers
are the true leaders of their
students
and without the educators, no school will function.
To conclude
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, I believe that both
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
an important role in shaping
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, computers
as well as
teacher's
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers'
show examples
wages but, schools should give priority to
teacher's
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers'
show examples
funds because if they are satisfied with their wages
then
only
children
will
receieve
Correct your spelling
receive
the best
education
they deserve.
Submitted by jatinderpanaich328 on

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task achievement
There are several sentence structures and grammatical errors that need attention. For example, 'at the sametime' should be 'at the same time'. Also, 'I shall discuss both the situations in next paragraphs' could be refined to 'I shall discuss both situations in the following paragraphs'. Improving these would make your essay clearer and more professional.
task achievement
Ensure each main idea is expanded fully. While you have discussed the importance of both teachers' salaries and technology in education, the arguments could benefit from more depth and specificity.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between paragraphs are generally smooth, but consider using more varied linking devices. Instead of frequently using 'some individuals', 'other group of individuals', and repetitive phrases, try different connective phrases to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in giving it a clear structure.
task achievement
You effectively present both sides of the argument, giving a balanced view before stating your own opinion.
task achievement
The essay ends with a clearly stated opinion, which is good for task achievement and coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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