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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

7. In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society?

#countries #parents #children #time #school #effects #society
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In Asian countries,
parents
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 tend to push their
children
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 to spend a lot of
time
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 studying and get high scores. It has a negative impact on the physical and mental
health
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 of
children
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. In
this
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 essay, I will delve into the reasons and give my opinion on that matter. The primary key to problems that Asian
children
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 have is the expectations of their
parents
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. There is a stereotype that
children
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 should study hard for a very long
time
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 to get high grades so that they will have a better future.
This
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 kind of mindset has negative effects on
children
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's mental and physical
health
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.
Children
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 are going to have too much burden on themselves
due to
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 their
parents
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' will to have good academic performances. They will do everything to make their
parents
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 proud of them even sacrifice their free
time
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 and focus on studying more than it should be. The prolonged
time
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 of studying will make them lack
of
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apply
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sleep and lead to mental
health
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 issues. They will be prone to anxiety and burnout because of too much studying and do not have any
time
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 to relax and refresh themselves. The worst case is the high level of stress they have will potentially lead to self-harm and suicide.
Moreover
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, their physical
health
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also
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 will have negative exposure
such
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 as back pain and even heart attack
due to
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 the unstable of their stress level.
For example
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, research in South Korea shows that students who spend more than 12 hours a day studying are prone to mental and physical
health
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 issues and more than 5 students are doing suicide every year because of the high amount of stress they have. In conclusion, the expectations that
parents
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 have for their
children
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 and asking them to study more have enormous drawbacks that should be a concern. It will raise issues on the
children
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's mental and physical
health
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.
Children
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 still should have free
time
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 to do their other things
besides
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 studying
such
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 as hanging out with friends, doing their hobbies, or even volunteering. They still need
time
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 to refresh and relax themselves so that they do not get too stressed. I lean toward the notion that
children
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 should not spend a long
time
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 studying.
Submitted by nurulfitriakamilah on

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Try to expand your explanations and examples to add depth to your arguments. This can help make your response more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring smooth transitions between your ideas and paragraphs for better flow and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and a conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
You address the prompt well and provide relevant points to support your opinion.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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