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Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, howeve, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #howeve #effect #measures
Although
 many individuals believe that the perfect path to advance public health is by raising the figure of
sports
facilities
, others argue that
this
 has less influence. In my opinion, I consider that by having more
sports
 amenities,
people
 can be healthier. On the one hand, providing many
sports
facilities
 in society encourages individuals to do
sports
 , and I agree.
In other words
, when the government increase the number of
sports
 places,
people
 will start doing
sports
 .
For example
,in Saudi Arabia, the government provides many
facilities
 for
sports
, so the number of sportsmen go up.
As a result
,
this
 improves the immune system and
also
 prevents disease .
Moreover
, if there are many
sports
facilities
 available, the cost will be less.
This
 is because there are many
sports
facilities
 around the area.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe that in order to be healthy,having more
sports
facilities
 will not be helpful, and other measures
such
 as giving awareness can be more suitable
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
That is
 to say, individuals in the world currently do not care about their health.
For instance
, in Dubai, these days. there are many gyms, but there are not a lot of
people
 who go to the gym , and a small percentage of individualists join the gym.
Thus
, health problems will grow and many
people
 will become obese. Another point is that
people
 want something affordable.
This
 is because in some countries, the equipment for
sports
 is expensive and
that is
 why
people
 do not like
sports
. In conclusion,
while
people
 may vary their opinions, I believe that providing
sports
facilities
 will influence the community.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Make sure to fully elaborate on your main points. While you have provided good arguments, developing them further with more detailed explanations and additional examples would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your essay by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Doing so will improve the coherence and cohesion of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases. Instead, try to use a variety of expressions to convey your points more effectively.
general
Make sure to proofread your work for minor grammatical errors and typos. Even though they are minor, correcting them will polish your essay further.
task achievement
You have effectively introduced both views and provided a clear opinion in your introduction, which sets a good foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains a well-structured introduction and conclusion, providing a clear start and end to your arguments.
task achievement
Most of your main points are supported with relevant examples, which helps to illustrate your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • obesity rates
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • multi-faceted approach
  • diet education
  • health screenings
  • government policies
  • pollution reduction
  • living conditions
  • community programs
  • mental health services
  • investment
  • accessible
  • complement
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