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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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As life has
becomed
Correct your spelling
become
 more convenient and comfortable, families have seemed to have more than two children.
Therefore
 the number of young adults in some nations has surpassed the older
generation
. Personally, I consider
this
 phenomenon as a more positive than worrying one. The development of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
generation
 both in quantity and quality often powers a country.
This
 is possibly because of the nature of youngsters
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
being energetic physically and open mentally
as well as
 spiritually. Thanks for being the most healthy subject, challenging missions
such
 as
volunterring
Correct your spelling
volunteering
 in wars or community services are
ofen
Correct your spelling
often
 welcomed by the youth. Without a great number of males, the defence system of a country is likely to be considered weak leading to an
esily vulnarable
Correct your spelling
easily vulnerable
 nation.
Moreover
, young adults seem to be more open to new ideas,
especialy
Correct your spelling
especially
 in terms of information technology- one of the factors contributing to a more convenient life. Their support
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 current inventions
usuallly
Correct your spelling
usually
 results in more advancements to be made.
For example
,
while
 some senior citizens might feel reluctant to
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
show examples
 to smartphones for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 complicated usage, youngsters prefer
this
 technology to the past cellphones and readily pay more to own one which leads to cutting-edge
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 annually. Though being the underlying power of a country, the growing number of young
generation
 compared to the elderly might be disadvantageous for some reasons. The most remarkable problem stemming from
this
 unbalanced proportion of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 is the
higer
Correct your spelling
higher
 rate of unemployment.
This
 is particularly true in some developed countries where technology might have created robots to replace some common jobs
such
 as waiters, manufacturing workers or hotel receptionists. Jobless youngsters often lose themselves and take up bad habits or even criminal acts.
This
 clearly threatens social security. Despite the risk of more unemployed people which could be solved by the effort of the young themselves by studying harder to take
more
Change preposition
on more
show examples
 challenging tasks, the advantages of the young
generation
 seem to outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by nguyencamnhi on

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task achievement
Ensure the introduction provides a clear response to the prompt, outlining both advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Make sure paragraphs are well-structured, with one clear main idea each and appropriate supporting details.
task achievement
Use a conclusion that summarizes the main points and clearly states your position, showing how the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Enhance cohesion by better linking ideas and paragraphs using cohesive devices and clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Provide specific, real-world examples to support your points and add credibility to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the accuracy of language use, including grammar and vocabulary.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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