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Band 5.5

Many people believe that the government should spend money on helping undeveloped countries instead of spending money on increasing military strength, as they do not face risks of war.

#people #government #money #countries #strength #face #risks #war
Many people believe that the government should spend
money
 on helping undeveloped
countries
instead
 of spending
money
 on increasing military strength, as they do not face
risks
Correct article usage
the risks
show examples
 of war. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 view. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why enhanced military prowess plays a key role in the development of the
nation
.
Firstly
, the military plays a vital role not only in territorial superiority but
also
 in the safety and stability of the
nation
. Because there is a strong army,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will help
this
 country quickly react to potential dangers
such
 as terrorism and prevent other
nations
 from threatening their territorial integrity.
Secondly
, military strength not only protects the security of a
nation
 but
also
 negatively contributes to global security.
For example
, the army participates in campaigns to prevent international crime,
such
 as capturing dangerous criminals.
As a result
, it can contribute to creating a global environment of safety and stability.
On the other hand
, there are some people who believe that the authorities of developed
countries
 should spend
money
 on poor
nations
 to deal with poverty and a lack of facilities there. Almost all conflict worldwide starts with inequality and oppression in society.
For instance
, if the third
countries
 are supported in terms of education, health care, and infrastructure,
leading
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to quality of life will improve.
As a result
, relationships and cooperation between
nations
 are increased leading to peace in the future.
In addition
, enhancing the standard of living in developed
countries
 can reduce the tendency to leave their hometown to developed
nations
. Forced migration often occurs because the facilities in their hometown can not meet the needs of the citizens, leading them to seek conditions in other
countries
.
For example
, developed
countries
 can invest in technology, agriculture, and education these
nations
 can create suitable jobs for their people and improve the standard of living for their citizens.
This
 not only decreased pressure on the economic and service communities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 allowed citizens to contribute to the development of the
nation
. In conclusion,
although
 the developed
nations
 spend
money
 on enhancing military strength
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 a significant role, I believe that it will be better if the authorities spend
money
 on helping undeveloped
countries
.
Submitted by weezel on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph stays focused on a single point or argument to maintain clarity. Avoid mixing multiple ideas in one paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transition between some points. Use linking words and phrases to ensure a smooth flow from one idea to the next (e.g., 'however', 'moreover', 'on the contrary').
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate more on each point. Provide more in-depth explanations and examples to support your arguments more convincingly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring the argument effectively.
task achievement
The main points are adequately supported with relevant examples, which strengthens the argument.
task achievement
The response comprehensively tackles the essay prompt, addressing both sides of the argument before presenting the author's view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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