IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that a sense or competetion in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Over the
last
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 few years, the question is whether a
sense
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or
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of
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Use synonyms
competetion
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competition
 in
children
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 should be encouraged or
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children
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whether children
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 who are taught to
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co-operate
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cooperate
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 rather than compete become more useful
adults
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 has become one of the most controversial ones in many parts of the world.
While
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 some
people
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 strongly support the opinion that the
sense
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 or
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competetion
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competition
 in
children
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 should be encouraged, there are other
people
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 who think that
children
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 who are taught to
co-operate
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 rather than compete become more useful
adults
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. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss both points of view and try to draw some conclusions. On the one hand, it is commonly argued
some
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by some
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 groups of
people
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 that the
sense
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or
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of
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Use synonyms
competetion
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competition
 in
children
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 should be encouraged.The first
arguement
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argument
 that they bring in order to support their point of view is
that
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the
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 development of time and the cause of increased
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competetion
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competition
 among
people
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 or
children
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, nowadays
for living
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to live
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 in
specific
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the specific
a specific
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 area you must
to
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apply
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be knowledgeable or you must
to
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apply
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know some job for your life,
this
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 in turn means you have to be competitive and raise your
children
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 to compete with others. Another reason why they claim is that
children
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 must
to
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apply
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learn always being first at any
work
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 is very important for their future life.
This
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 is why if you do any
work
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 satisfactorily you will always reach
succes
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success
 and achieve your goals easily.
On the other hand
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, despite mentioned
counter arguments
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counter-arguments
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, it is thought by others that
children
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 who are taught to
co-operate
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 rather than compete become more useful
adults
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 they think
this
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 is true mainly
due to
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 the fact that working with colleagues can offer several benefits like
high
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the high
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 quality of
work
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 result and working together help to spend less energy.
For instance
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, if
children
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work
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 together, the result of their
work
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 can be more quality than working alone. Another main reason that they bring is that working and communicating in society.
Thus
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 it makes it clear that communicating in society is
very
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a very
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 important skill which you always
needed
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need
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.
Also
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, if you are sociable you will always achieve your personal goals. In conclusion,
although
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 some
people
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 support the idea that the
sense
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 or
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competition
competetion
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competition
 in
children
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 should be encouraged, others advocate that
children
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 should
work
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co-operate
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 rather than compete
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
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 more useful
adults
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, from my personal point of view, working
co-operate
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 can be more useful than working alone in
society
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a society
show examples

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your own opinion. To enhance task response, ensure that each argument is fully explored with specific and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure and both an introduction and conclusion are present, try to make transitions between paragraphs smoother to improve coherence and cohesion.
supported main points
Support your main points with more detailed examples and explanations. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
It is commendable that you have discussed both viewpoints and provided a clear conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The topic is understood well and both sides of the argument are presented.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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