IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many countries thought children have to do homework in their free time while others say children should do more outdoor activity. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #homework #time #activity
Students
 are encouraged to learn something at
school
 and after
school
time
. Many state administrations are of the opinion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
students
 should get
homework
 in the form of
homework
 and should complete it in their free
time
.
while
 others believe that at a young
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 they should engage in outdoor activities that keep them physically and mentally active. I strongly disagree with the first assumption because the additional burden of studying makes a student become introverted and is
also
 detrimental to his mental development. I will address my points of disagreement with logic in the next paragraph. First of all,
homework
 helps a child's physical and mental health. To get down to the roots, a student spends most of his
time
 completing his home assessment.
This
 has a bad impact on his
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 as it causes several health problems
such
 as headaches and eye problems.
For example
, Stanford University investigated the length of
time
 in a study that showed that spending more than two hours had harmful effects on health. Apart from that, because they are afraid of completing
homework
 assignments, introverted
students
 always try to work hard and are less social, and even less confident than other
students
. He doesn't have
time
 to learn other activities like dancing and music that keep him active. In conclusion, I strongly disagree with extra housework for children. Spending six hours at
school
 gives teenagers a lot of data so that
students
 have the right to do activities
according to
 their interests after
school
.
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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task achievement
Clarify your position in the introduction. It should be stated more explicitly to give a clear direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. This helps in making the essay more coherent and logically structured.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to support the main points. This will strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Work on your transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay. This can be done by using linking words and phrases more effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and uphold the argument you are making.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a sense of completion.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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