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Band 5.5

It is better for students to live away from home while studying at university than to live with parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#students #home #university #parents
Many
students
 choose to rent houses near their colleges
instead
 of living
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
parents
' homes.
While
 there are several benefits for those people who are accommodated away from
home
, I agree with the view that it is more beneficial for individuals to live with their
parents
. On the one hand, living by
students
 themselves surely has some advantages. In the first place, people who live without
parents
 are more independent.
This
 is because
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
students
 have to solve problems by themselves rather than seeking help from
parents
.
For example
, they are supposed to make their own meals, do their laundry, and clean their houses.
As a result
, it improves
children
's independence.
Moreover
,
students
 may be satisfied with their freedom outside of the
home
. They lack
parents
'
supervisions
Fix the agreement mistake
supervision
show examples
, which means they are able to explore more things that were forbidden before.
For example
, they are allowed to go
home
 lately and try exciting activities without permission.
Consequently
, they may have more entertaining lives during their time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
.
By contrast
, I strongly confirm that
students
 ought to choose
home
 as their first choice when considering accommodations. First of all,
students
 have higher standard quality of life if they live with their
parents
. The main reason for
that is
 their
parents
 may provide meals and clothes for them
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that
children
 will not worry about their basic life necessities.
Additionally
, sometimes
parents
 may take their
children
 out for a feast or expensive clubs which
students
are not
Verb problem
cannot
show examples
 affordable for
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Furthermore
, it is safe to live in their own houses.
Students
 are familiar with their surroundings and neighbours, and once they meet with dangers, they can seek help immediately. Apart from that, their
parents
 can recognise risks for them, which may be hard for
children
 to distinguish.
For example
,
children
 who live out may be influenced by their friends, developing bad habits,
such
 as smoking, drinking and so on.
Therefore
, it is better for
children
 to live at
home
. In conclusion,
although
 living outside may give
students
 happier campus lives, it is more beneficial for
students
 to choose
home
 as their accommodation with more comfortable safe lives.
Submitted by 1356388645 on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-organized, consider introducing transitions within paragraphs to connect ideas more fluidly. For instance, using phrases like 'Moreover,' and 'Additionally,' can enhance the flow.
task achievement
You should also address possible counterarguments to strengthen your position. This would show a deeper understanding of the topic and balance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs that convey distinct ideas.
task achievement
You present specific examples that support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly state your viewpoint.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • social networks
  • time management
  • budgeting skills
  • homesickness
  • financial costs
  • emotional support
  • alleviate stress
  • household responsibilities
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