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Band 6

some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
Recently, the rate of teenager's
crimes
 has increased. Some
people
 may have claimed that young criminals should be punished like adults. I understand that suggestion,
however
, I personally disagree with
this
 because young
people
 are able to improve
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 our assistance.
Firstly
,
teenagers
 are more immature and inexperienced than adults. They don't have a standard of their behaviours which is right or wrong. If they have never experienced being taught by adults about bad things, they will likely commit
crimes
 against their friends.
For example
, teachers in South Korea reported that students aren't aware that rubbing peers' things is a serious problem if they have not taught before. I understand their concerns,
thus
 I suggest that rather than punishing
teenagers
, we need to give more chances to young
people
 to improve themselves.
Moreover
, young
people
 will lose their self-confidence if they get harsh punishment.
Teenagers
 who committed
crimes
 might be able to live as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 in the
future
 even if they already had been punished.
This
 will discourage a person's morale to live better which may detrimentally affect their will to improve. What I am concerned about is that they will commit
crimes
 again in the
future
 if they don't have any chance. Another concern is that our society can miss our
future
 intelligent individuals which seems to have adverse effects on our
future
 society.
Therefore
, giving
teenagers
 who commit
crimes
 opportunities rather than only punishing them, and assisting them to discover new talent, which could be beneficial in the long run.
To sum up
, I firmly disagree with giving harsh punishment to young
people
 because they are still too young to be mature and it will discourage our
future
 society. I believe we should encourage them more chance to improve their behaviours themselves.
Submitted by kchengii on

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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the task effectively and provides a clear stance. However, ensure to expand on the provided examples with more detail to strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Main points are presented in an organized manner, but try to improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas for a smoother flow.
grammar
There's a minor grammatical mistake: the word 'rubbing' should be 'robbing'. Pay attention to vocabulary accuracy.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and clearly state the position taken.
clear ideas
You have effectively pointed out the immaturity and potential for improvement in young people as a reason against harsh punishment.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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