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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that allowing childern to make their own choices on everyday matters (Such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuls who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for childern to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #childern #choices #matters #food #clothes #entertainment #society #individuls #decisions
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In some individuals' opinion making their own
choices
kids'
Change preposition
in kids'
show examples
 everyday routine, like food, clothes and entertainment, can result in a selfish individual.
However
, other people have thoughts about the importance of
children
's decisions about matters which are related to them. In my personal view, it is important to give a chance to
children
 make their own
choices
. The aim of
this
 essay is to explain both views and give relevant examples. On the one hand, parents are responsible for their
children
's lives.
In other words
, the mother and father should educate the
child
 to make good selections in their
life
. Kids' minds are like clean paper, they come to
this
 world without any knowledge about
life
. So, the parents are the first teachers, whose responsibility is to explain what is a wrong or right thing.
For example
, if mom and dad don't explain what is the wrong food, kids will have bad eating habits. Another example is that every mother should educate a girl on how to choose clothes by explaining their traditional, religious aspects.
On the other hand
,
children
 must be separated by the time from their parents. When the
child
 becomes a teenager, elders should give them the opportunity in routine
choices
, because it is the formative years of the
child
 as an individual, at the age from 12 to 16.
Also
 when youngsters decide what they want to wear or eat, they will be more confident in other aspects of their
life
 in future.
However
, if a
child
 grows up with strict elders, he will be confused in making important decisions in his
life
.
To sum up
, all the aforementioned points,
to give
Verb problem
giving people
show examples
 an opportunity to make their own
choices
 is important
as well as
 control their decisions.
Submitted by lola.kz.kg on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear discussion of both views and presents your own opinion. However, try to include more specific and relevant examples to support your points. This will add depth to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments logically flow from one to the next. This will make your essay easier to follow and more convincing.
task achievement
Work on developing your ideas more fully. Some points are mentioned but not elaborated on, making them seem less convincing. Provide more detail and explanation where needed.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion should summarise the main points of your essay in a clearer and more comprehensive manner. This will make your arguments more cohesive.
introduction
The introduction clearly states both views and provides a clear thesis statement, which sets the stage for the rest of the essay.
logical structure
Each paragraph clearly addresses a separate point, contributing to the overall structure and coherence of the essay.
supported main points
You have successfully provided examples to support your points, which helps in illustrating your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • autonomy
  • independence
  • self-confidence
  • selfish tendencies
  • responsible choices
  • consequences
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • personal development
  • strike a balance
  • boundaries
  • social values
  • decision-making skills
  • guidance
  • fostering
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