IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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In
this
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 day and age, numerous young
children
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 tend to spend a lot of time using their phones. There are several reasons why
this
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 phenomenon is significantly increasing. From my perspective, I believe it has a positive impact on
children
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 in many aspects. There can be some reasons behind using technology devices trend. First and foremost, with the development in the technological era, some
parents
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 have given
smartphones
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 to their
children
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 for study purposes like joining an online course or studying through learning applications, and YouTube channels, and
due to
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 that
children
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 were introduced to
smartphones
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.
Furthermore
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, some modern
parents
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 have a hectic schedule at work,
therefore
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 they
also
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 allow their kids to play online games so they do not have to pay much attention to kids and enjoy their leisure time.
Hence
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, some
parents
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 usually fail to control
this
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 habit of their
children
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.
Due to
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this
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, using
smartphones
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 and social media platforms can increase some physical and mental issues.
For example
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, if
children
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 spend more than 4 hours browsing
smartphones
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, they can suffer from eye diseases
due to
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 UV light, and because of a lack of physical activities, many
children
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 become obese.
Moreover
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,
children
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 can
also
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 enter inappropriate websites consisting of violent content that might have negative impacts on their mental development, leading to unhealthy
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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. In conclusion, the increasing use of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 has many risks to the mature process. It is crucial for
parents
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 to monitor and control the frequency of using
smartphones
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 with their kids to ensure balanced and healthy habits.

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the clarity of your ideas. Some parts of the essay are a bit unclear and could benefit from clearer, more direct language.
task achievement
Expand on the examples and explanations to make your essay more convincing. The current examples are a bit general and could be more specific and detailed.
coherence cohesion
Ensure better coherence between ideas and sentences. Some transitions feel abrupt, so smoother linking words or phrases could make your essay flow better.
task achievement
Consider exploring both sides of the argument more thoroughly. While you mention some negative impacts, your overall stance benefits from a more balanced discussion.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion were well-structured and clearly presented your main point of view.
complete response
You addressed the prompt effectively by explaining why children spend a lot of time on their phones and mentioning both positive and negative aspects.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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