IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A lot of money is spent nowadays searching for oil. As the world's oil resources will eventually run out, it would be more logical to spend some of this money on developing new sources of power, such as wind and solar. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays developing countries are going through a problem of
oil
Use synonyms
 extinction. It is believed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that rather than spending lots of money on searching for
oil
Use synonyms
. It is recommended that
this
Linking Words
 money could be spent on finding
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new sources of energy
such
Linking Words
 as wind and solar.
In my
Change preposition
My
show examples
 opinion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea as
this
Linking Words
 will save a huge amount of money and time
as well as
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it will
promotes
Change the verb form
promote
show examples
 the introduction of a new environmentally friendly power source. First and foremost, the recent
use
Use synonyms
 of solar panels to produce electricity was a successful plan. In the
last
Linking Words
 decade,
people
Use synonyms
 used to cut wood from trees and burn
this
Linking Words
 wood to produce electricity
this
Linking Words
 process has led to serious problems
for example
Linking Words
, deforestation and a drop in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 large number of animals.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the burning process has caused diseases among farmers living nearby.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 all around the world have been using
oil
Use synonyms
 in excessive amounts.
Oil
Use synonyms
 is used in various aspects
for example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can
use
Use synonyms
 the
oil
Use synonyms
 to produce burning fuel to drive a car or can be used by factories to power the machines they
use
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was used for almost a thousand years and
this
Linking Words
 showed a significant effect on our ecosystem resulting in global warming.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
use
Use synonyms
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
has
Verb problem
apply
show examples
needs to come to an end
Change preposition
with
show examples
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
implementation
Add an article
the implementation
show examples
 of new fuel sources. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the idea of promoting new sources of power rather than
oil
Use synonyms
.
As
Correct word choice
Oil
show examples
oil
Use synonyms
 had a knock-on effect on our environment leading to serious damage to our ecosystem.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction effectively states your position, but it could be clearer with a more concise statement and stronger thesis. For example, 'I strongly agree with this idea because it will save money, time, and promote environmentally friendly power sources.'
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and flows logically from one to the next. Currently, the transitions between some ideas are abrupt. For instance, you could add transitional phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' to smoothly introduce each new point.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your examples to strengthen your points. For instance, you mentioned that burning wood led to deforestation and diseases but didn't explain how solar panels have improved the situation. Adding specific data or case studies can enrich your argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion nicely restates your position but could be enhanced by summarizing the key points discussed in the essay. This reinforces the argument and leaves a lasting impression.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • finite
  • renewable energy sources
  • expenditure
  • compromise
  • sustainable
  • environmental impact
  • infrastructure
  • economic sustainability
  • dependency
  • fluctuating prices
  • stimulate
  • job creation
  • vested interests
  • transition
  • reluctance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: