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Band 5

Most countries spend large amount of money on weapons to defend themselves though they are not at war. Some believe those countries should spend the money to help poor countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #amount #money #weapons #war #believe
Lots of people suppose that the authorities should spend money on assisting underdeveloped
countries
instead
 of spending on improving their military strength as they must not face any risks of war. In my view, I agree with
this
 statement. On the one hand, there are several reasons why enhancing military power is very important to a nation, even in peacetime.
Initially
, a strong armed force plays a vital role not only in territorial superiority
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but security and stability of a country. Because there is a great military will help that country have quick reactions against potential threats
such
 as terrorist attacks and protect its territorial integrity from other
countries
.
In addition
,
countries
invest
Wrong verb form
investing
show examples
 in
weapons
 research and development can increase their profits by selling
weapons
 to other nations.
On the other hand
, supporting impoverished
countries
 to develop together is a humane and meaningful action. There are many
countries
 struggling with poverty, starvation and lack of education.
Therefore
, if underdeveloped nations can receive assistance from wealthy
countries
, they will be able to resolve some problems
such
 as poor living conditions, or food
crisis
Fix the agreement mistake
crises
show examples
...
For instance
, Germany, France, and
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 Kingdom help poor
countries
 in Africa tackle the aforementioned problems and deter
such
 issues from happening again.
Furthermore
, assisting impoverished
countries
 will boost
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
,
restrict
Correct word choice
and restrict
show examples
conflict
Fix the agreement mistake
conflicts
show examples
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other.
As a result
, these
countries
 will decrease
demand
Correct article usage
the demand
show examples
 for
weapons
 and live in peace. In conclusion,
although
 there are plenty of
countries
 investing a great deal of money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
weapons
 even
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
 are in peacetime, I suppose that assisting impoverished
countries
 can bring greater advantages.
Submitted by weezel on

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task achievement
Though the essay provides a strong argument for reallocating military spending to support impoverished nations, it could benefit from elaboration on some ideas and including more specific examples to highlight arguments. For instance, mentioning actual military expenditures and specific developmental programs or countries that could benefit would enhance the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Consider using more linking phrases and words to guide the reader through your arguments seamlessly. This will help in achieving a greater sense of coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization helps in making the argument easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the argument, and the conclusion neatly wraps up the essay by reiterating the main point.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, considering why military expenditure might be necessary and why reallocating funds to help developing nations could be advantageous.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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