In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence. Write at least 250 words

Whilst many think that
advertisements
of various types of junk foods must not be banned as these
adverts
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
not make
people
obese,
while
I believe that as
obeseity
Correct your spelling
obesity
is one of the most common health issues which
people
around the world are
sufferring
Correct your spelling
suffering
from, so there is a need to stop the
advertisements
related to snack
food
because these
adverts
play a major role in promoting
this
type of
food
.
To begin
with,
people
who think that these
adverts
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
not have any role
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the problem of
obesity
claims
Correct subject-verb agreement
claim
show examples
that, there are so many
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
reasons which are responsible for
obesity
. First of all, lack of physical activity and
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
,
for example
,
due to
technological advancements, individuals mostly have to work with computers, so
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle makes
people
obese as they do not participate in any indoor or outdoor activity.
Besides
this
,
genetical
Replace the word
genetic
show examples
factors can
also
contribute to
obesity
, we have seen that some
people
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
not eat fast
food
, but
due to
heridity factor, they have excess fat in their body tissues.
However
, I support the argument that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
many large multinational organisations
promotes
Change the verb form
promote
show examples
their packed
food
via
advertisements
in order to
allure
Verb problem
lure
show examples
people
, and children are the most vulnerable targets.
Moreover
, with the
adverts
they reveal their newer
food
products,
also
these
advertisements
entice
people
to try these processed foods.
In addition
, if we talk about various
restautrant
Correct your spelling
restaurant
restaurants
chains,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
Mcdonald's, KFC,
Dominos
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Domino
show examples
, and Red Rooster, they always have promotional deals
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their menus like meal deals or free
can
Fix the agreement mistake
cans
show examples
of soft
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
with any meal, and they promote these deals via
advertisements
to attract
people
, and
thus
,
people
buy these foods which are full of calories. In conclusion,
although
there are
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
obesity
as well like genes and lack of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
, still I am convinced
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
the argument that promotional activities through
advertisements
of junk
food
attracts
Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
show examples
people
to buy them, which leads to overeating of calories, and
thus
leads to
dertimental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
health problem,
obesity
.
Submitted by harleenarora620 on

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Grammar
Ensure grammatical consistency, especially with subject-verb agreement. Phrases like 'these adverts does' should be corrected to 'these adverts do.'
Content Development
Expanding on the explanations for both views will help strengthen your argument. Adding data or studies regarding the impact of advertising and obesity can provide more depth.
Writing Style
Work on varying sentence structure to improve readability. Mixing short and long sentences can enhance the flow of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure clarity in transitions between paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases like 'furthermore,' 'additionally,' or 'on the other hand' to maintain logical connections.
Structure
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay well.
Coherence
Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, maintaining coherence throughout the essay.
Content Development
Relevant examples, such as mentions of McDonald's and KFC, help illustrate your points effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • junk food
  • advertising
  • banning
  • influence
  • dietary habits
  • calories
  • nutrients
  • exposure
  • impressionable
  • lifestyle choices
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • balanced diet
  • freedom of choice
  • market economy
  • informed decisions
  • manipulated
  • advertisements
  • combat obesity
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