Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
According to
some, young folks spend a lot of their valuable time
in shopping malls
. They feel that shopping keeps their life interesting and acts as a great stress buster. However
, it can lead to many downside effects not only for them but also
for society. Hence
, I support the claim that excessive spending on malls
leads to negative effects and I the have following reasons to support my stance.
To begin
with, young adults use shopping as a means to show their wealth. As a result
, they try to spend excessively and in some cases, spend from credit as well, just to prove their status. This
can lead to excessive borrowing and may lead to financial trouble for them,
if it is unchecked. Remove the comma
apply
Such
folks inorder
to repay their debt can engage in many anti-social activities like theft, which can ruin their own career. Correct your spelling
in order
For instance
, in countries like India, growing
trend of theft among youths Correct article usage
a growing
have
been reported recently and it's because Correct subject-verb agreement
has
of
their youths Change preposition
apply
thronging
Replace the word
throng
malls
for a longer time
.
Moreover
, malls
are loaded with many movie attractions, fast food shops and eateries. Thus
, a person entering such
buildings, cannot keep track of their time
and wanders aimlessly. They spend majority
of their Add an article
the majority
a majority
time
eating un-healthy
junk foods Correct your spelling
unhealthy
while
doing window shopping. This
Correct pronoun usage
These
practises
can make them not only fat but Replace the word
practices
also
creates
unknown side-effects in their body. In Correct subject-verb agreement
create
fact
in many countries, Add a comma
fact,
malls
are the main reason for fast foods
addiction among Change the noun form
food
the
school and college students.
So Correct article usage
apply
to conclude
, though malls
provide much-needed
breather for both students and working populations, Add an article
a much-needed
it
can create problems like excessive spending, Correct pronoun usage
they
un-healthy
eating habits etc among Correct your spelling
unhealthy
younger
generation. Add an article
the younger
Hence
, in my opinion, such
entertainment places create more negative effects than the
positive ones for the young people in society and Correct article usage
apply
therefore
the government should implement stringent policies to limit their
Change the word
the
time
spent on
Change preposition
in
Add an article
the mall
mall
.Fix the agreement mistake
malls
Submitted by nusramkumar on
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task achievement
Your essay has successfully addressed the task, presenting a clear stance on the issue of young people spending too much time in shopping malls. However, ensure that each point is fully developed and avoid repetition to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You have a good logical structure and your ideas flow coherently. However, you can improve transitions between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. Avoid minor grammatical errors, such as ‘inorder’ which should be ‘in order’.
introduction and conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay, clearly stating your position on the issue. The conclusion also neatly wraps up your arguments. Well done!
supported main points
Main points are well-supported with specific examples, which help to strengthen your arguments. This is a key aspect of a strong essay. Keep it up!
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