Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

According to
some, young folks spend a lot of their valuable
time
in shopping
malls
. They feel that shopping keeps their life interesting and acts as a great stress buster.
However
, it can lead to many downside effects not only for them but
also
for society.
Hence
, I support the claim that excessive spending on
malls
leads to negative effects and I the have following reasons to support my stance.
To begin
with, young adults use shopping as a means to show their wealth.
As a result
, they try to spend excessively and in some cases, spend from credit as well, just to prove their status.
This
can lead to excessive borrowing and may lead to financial trouble for them
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
if it is unchecked.
Such
folks
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
to repay their debt can engage in many anti-social activities like theft, which can ruin their own career.
For instance
, in countries like India,
growing
Correct article usage
a growing
show examples
trend of theft among youths
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
been reported recently and it's because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their youths
thronging
Replace the word
throng
show examples
malls
for a longer
time
.
Moreover
,
malls
are loaded with many movie attractions, fast food shops and eateries.
Thus
, a person entering
such
buildings, cannot keep track of their
time
and wanders aimlessly. They spend
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
of their
time
eating
un-healthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
show examples
junk foods
while
doing window shopping.
This
Correct pronoun usage
These
show examples
practises
Replace the word
practices
show examples
can make them not only fat but
also
creates
Correct subject-verb agreement
create
show examples
unknown side-effects in their body. In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
in many countries,
malls
are the main reason for fast
foods
Change the noun form
food
show examples
addiction among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school and college students. So
to conclude
, though
malls
provide
much-needed
Add an article
a much-needed
show examples
breather for both students and working populations,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
can create problems like excessive spending,
un-healthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
show examples
eating habits etc among
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
generation.
Hence
, in my opinion,
such
entertainment places create more negative effects than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive ones for the young people in society and
therefore
the government should implement stringent policies to limit
their
Change the word
the
show examples
time
spent
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Add an article
the mall
show examples
mall
Fix the agreement mistake
malls
show examples
.
Submitted by nusramkumar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay has successfully addressed the task, presenting a clear stance on the issue of young people spending too much time in shopping malls. However, ensure that each point is fully developed and avoid repetition to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You have a good logical structure and your ideas flow coherently. However, you can improve transitions between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. Avoid minor grammatical errors, such as ‘inorder’ which should be ‘in order’.
introduction and conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay, clearly stating your position on the issue. The conclusion also neatly wraps up your arguments. Well done!
supported main points
Main points are well-supported with specific examples, which help to strengthen your arguments. This is a key aspect of a strong essay. Keep it up!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: