IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some countries allow old people to work to any age that they want. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Regardless of
age
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, some countries allow older individuals to
work
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 in both the private and government sectors. I contend that
while
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 enabling older generations to
work
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 offers significant opportunities for knowledge transfer between older and younger professionals, there are
also
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 some drawbacks. First and foremost, certain individuals who are over the retirement
age
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 still refuse to settle at home.
Instead
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, they display an aspiration to
work
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 for many years to come at certain jobs. Some of these people are equipped with tremendous experience and background knowledge in specific works which sometimes brings about revolutionizing solutions targeted towards overcoming the most intricate problems encountered at their organizations.
Consequently
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,
such
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 magical touches result in revenue surplus, cost savings and efficiency increases in the workplace. Another obvious advantage of letting senior employees
work
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 stems from their existing economic situation and the difficulties that they are enduring. Unfortunately, either to support their families or the worsening life circumstances compel the members of the old generation to keep working
although
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 they have already passed the retirement
age
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 threshold. By giving these people an opportunity to
work
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, they will be able to help their families set up better living conditions
as well as
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 s seek a feeling of gratification in the sacrifice that they have made for their loved ones to combat poverty.
On the other hand
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, from the sustainability of the workforce standpoint, by not regulating the working
age
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 limit in workplaces, countries are
also
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 creating a big gap in the employment rate between old and young generations.
For example
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, in Japan, there is no mandatory retirement
age
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 in the general workforce,
thus
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, allowing the ageing population to
work
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 for an unconditional time period,
further
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 widening
this
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 employment gap.
Therefore
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, a number of young talents with more energy and passion remain unemployed
due to
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 the shortage of
work
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 in the labour market, disrupting the market dynamics and causing inefficiency. In conclusion, whilst having no working
age
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 limit imposed on the ageing population is utterly important and beneficial to the society and country, some countries record negative results in the downward employment rates in younger working groups. Bearing in mind all the aforementioned reasons, I think the advantages of
this
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 trend outweigh its demerits.

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence variety and clarity to avoid overly complex sentences, which sometimes obscure the main points.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples or statistics to support key points and strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear and well-organized structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Effective use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas and maintain a smooth flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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