IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is an argumentative conception heating a debate
whether
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about whether
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 dealing with pollution and accommodation problems should be put into priority by the authorities in order to prevent deterioration in
humans’
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human’
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 health. From my point of view, I consider myself an advocate of
this
Linking Words
 idea. Without a shadow of a doubt, environmental degradation has detrimental effects on people’s health.
Due to
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 the development of countries, newly-established factories are springing up
everyday
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every day
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, leading to the tremendous emission of lethal gases.
As a result
Linking Words
, the ones who inhale those gases frequently can suffer from a high rate of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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respiratory-related disease.
For example
Linking Words
, the residents who live around a factory in Vietnam called Rang Dong, a company that sends out a great amount of carbon dioxide, have suffered from a high rate of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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respiratory
disease
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diseases
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 like lung cancer.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is essential for the state to tackle the polluted environment.
While
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 the negative influences of the low-quality habitat are widely acknowledged, living conditions
also
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 impact directly
to
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apply
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the well-being of humans.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the sewage systems and ventilation in slum areas are not guaranteed and so it not only reduces people’s immunity but
also
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 stands a good stead for the growth of viruses. Particularly, in
Covid
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the Covid
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 epidemic, the dilapidated sectors frequently have the more dramatic spread of
virus
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the virus
a virus
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 that
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
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 to the high death tolls of patients.
Thus
Linking Words
, the housing problem should be taken into consideration to ensure people’s health. In conclusion, pollution and residing issues are the two aspects which require
a
Correct article usage
apply
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concentration from the government in improving in order to maintain a healthy life
of
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for
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 humans.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to connect ideas between paragraphs with linking words or phrases. Additionally, make sure the ideas flow naturally and logically.
task achievement
In task achievement, try to provide a clearer and more comprehensive argument. This can be done by adding more relevant specific examples and exploring different aspects of the argument.
general
To achieve a higher score, include more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to better convey your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames the argument.
task achievement
You have chosen relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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