Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is an argumentative conception heating a debate
whether
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about whether

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dealing with pollution and accommodation problems should be put into priority by the authorities in order to prevent deterioration in
humans’
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human’

It seems that humans may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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health. From my point of view, I consider myself an advocate of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

idea. Without a shadow of a doubt, environmental degradation has detrimental effects on people’s health.
Due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the development of countries, newly-established factories are springing up
everyday
Replace the word
every day

The word everyday may be used incorrectly. Review the following notes to determine the appropriate usage for your context.

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, leading to the tremendous emission of lethal gases.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the ones who inhale those gases frequently can suffer from a high rate of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb having appears to be unnecessary here.

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respiratory-related disease.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the residents who live around a factory in Vietnam called Rang Dong, a company that sends out a great amount of carbon dioxide, have suffered from a high rate of
having
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb having appears to be unnecessary here.

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respiratory
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases

It seems that disease may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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like lung cancer.
Hence
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is essential for the state to tackle the polluted environment.
While
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the negative influences of the low-quality habitat are widely acknowledged, living conditions
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

impact directly
to
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apply

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the well-being of humans.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

the fact that the sewage systems and ventilation in slum areas are not guaranteed and so it not only reduces people’s immunity but
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

stands a good stead for the growth of viruses. Particularly, in
Covid
Correct article usage
the Covid

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epidemic, the dilapidated sectors frequently have the more dramatic spread of
virus
Add an article
the virus
a virus

The noun phrase virus seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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that
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes

It seems that the verb contribute does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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to the high death tolls of patients.
Thus
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the housing problem should be taken into consideration to ensure people’s health. In conclusion, pollution and residing issues are the two aspects which require
a
Correct article usage
apply

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concentration from the government in improving in order to maintain a healthy life
of
Change preposition
for

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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humans.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to connect ideas between paragraphs with linking words or phrases. Additionally, make sure the ideas flow naturally and logically.
task achievement
In task achievement, try to provide a clearer and more comprehensive argument. This can be done by adding more relevant specific examples and exploring different aspects of the argument.
general
To achieve a higher score, include more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to better convey your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames the argument.
task achievement
You have chosen relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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