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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that to reduce the amount of time people spend commuting (travelling to work), parks and gardens close to city centres should be replaced by apartment buildings for commuters to live in. However, others disagree with this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #amount #time #work #parks #gardens #city #centres #apartment #buildings #commuters
It has been an enigmatic quandary as to whether the
parks
 and
gardens
 in urban
city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
show examples
 are essential for
people
.
However
, it is explicit that the park plays
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 essential role in
city
Add an article
the city
show examples
. The scope and breadth of decreasing traffic jams and basic requirements are two paragons that
reverberates
Change the verb form
reverberate
show examples
such
 a theme.
Firstly
, convenience lucidly demonstrates the matter pertaining to
this
 theme. Every morning,
people
 suffer from traffic jams both
public
Change preposition
on public
show examples
 transport and on the road.
For example
, Seoul in Korea, prepare to go to work
before
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2 hours early because the commuting time is affected by traffic jams.
Therefore
, the government should pay enough attention to the commuters to build their
work ability
Correct your spelling
workability
show examples
 with
replaced
Wrong verb form
replacing
show examples
 an apartment
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the park.
However
, given that the natural spaces are beneficial for
people
 and the earth, I believe the
gardens
 and
parks
 close to
city
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 should remain despite
commuter's
Fix the agreement mistake
commuters'
show examples
 convenience.
on the other hand
, basic requirements indubitably
explains
Change the verb form
explain
show examples
 the issue at hand. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society where
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 amount of
building
Fix the agreement mistake
buildings
show examples
 are built in the
city
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gardens
 and
parks
palys
Correct your spelling
plays
play
 an important role in urban
people
's lives. The park provides not only environmental benefits to urban but
also
 relaxing spaces in the highly competitive world. If the
parks
 are eliminated, some
people
 lose the
relax
Replace the word
relaxed
show examples
 space that gives the fresh air and seating to relieve stress which happens in the workplace. At first glance, many often believe that the natural environments in cities are not essential, but the example of basic requirements obviously indicates that
parks
 and
gardens
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 positive effects on quality of life.
Submitted by kopopig on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that your paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Use transition words such as 'moreover,' 'however,' and 'therefore' more effectively.
task achievement
Your points are mostly clear, but you need to elaborate on them with more specific examples. For instance, when discussing traffic jams, it would help to explain how replacing parks with apartments would alleviate traffic.
task achievement
Make sure your conclusion reiterates the main points more clearly and provides a strong summative statement.
coherence cohesion
Revise complex sentences to ensure there is no misunderstanding and to keep the points clear.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents both views, making it easy to understand the main arguments on each side of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, giving it a complete structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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