IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Young people are leaving their homes from rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #homes #areas #study #work #cities #development
It is true that
youngsters
 nowadays
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a tendency to leave the countryside and attend education and employment in the
cities
.
Although
this
 has some drawbacks, I believe the merits are more significant
due to
 a range of reasons.
Firstly
, moving to big
cities
 may allow the young generation to have the potential for their studying and working
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. When attending to
such
 a competitive and well-conditioned environment in the urban area,
youngsters
 can take the opportunity to change their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, regardless of the difficulty.
Secondly
, the living conditions in the big
cities
 are far better than in the countryside.
For instance
, the population of young people from remote and rural areas in Ho Chi Minh City and Hanoi are now significantly rising rapidly because service facilities are significantly state-of-the-art. Notwithstanding, permanently living in the
cities
 still has a disadvantage that
youngsters
 may have to face up to, which is because of the uncomfort of the hustle lifestyle. There is a fact that the young generation could find that pressure atmosphere harsh to get used to and
thus
, they may easily give up just a few weeks in the urban areas.
For instance
, despite the high remuneration the employer pays for, most of the
youngsters
 may suffer from family burden, peer pressure or more seriously, depression just because of the budget pressure.
To sum up
, there is an orientation that young people move from the countryside to the
cities
. Even though
this
 may have some drawbacks, its benefits are far more significant as the
youngsters
 can have a better improvement in studying and working career and a better use of the modern facilities.
Submitted by alicema0503 on

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task achievement
The essay competently addresses the task, but ensure that all main points are fully supported with clear and specific examples. For instance, the mention of state-of-the-art facilities could be expanded with more details.
coherence cohesion
While the essay generally follows a logical structure, it could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
To enhance clarity, it’s important to refine sentences that might be confusing. For instance, 'attending to such a competitive and well-conditioned environment' could be simplified to 'experiencing a competitive and resource-rich environment.'
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well presented, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing the main points.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a clear response to the task, addressing both reasons and advantages/disadvantages.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Migration
  • Urbanization
  • Educational institutions
  • Job prospects
  • Wages
  • Economic growth
  • Cultural exchange
  • Overpopulation
  • Cost of living
  • Rural depopulation
  • Social isolation
  • Traditional values
  • Personal growth
  • Recreational activities
What to do next:
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