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Band 5

some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from should be raised considerably.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age
Currently, many
people
 are living longer than they used to, there are some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reasons why
people
 think the
age
 of
people
 retire is too soon and should be raised. One of the reasons is when they have retired, they do not have enough money to live and do not know what to do in their
retirement
. It can make them frustrated, bored and hopeless. But at the other point, when
people
 have prepared for their
retirement
, they can enjoy their pension and live happily. The
age
 of working
people
 will still be productive if they are enthusiastic and workaholic
people
. They can earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 money and more benefits if they keep working. The current
retirement
age
 of
people
 is 55-65. Some
people
 think
that is
 the ideal
age
 to
be retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
. They want to have a quality time to bond with their family, to refresh their minds, and to travel around the world. They want to leave the hectic life in their
company
, probably even leaving the city. In certain companies, the retired
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 are still productive and want to get a new job. Most of them become contractors and vendors at their former workplaces. Sometimes I do not think it is good for them to use their earlier position in that
company
 in order to work easier, and
hence
 not to trust
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation.
Therefore
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 my opinion, I disagree if the
age
 of
people
 retire is raised since
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 generations will be an ace of innovation for the
company
. Now, life is changing rapidly and young generations can learn and adapt quickly. Companies should set the
retirement
age
 fair enough to give chance and time for younger
people
 to improve the quality and performance of the
company
.
Submitted by innezgracias on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs and within them.
task achievement
Be specific with examples and explanations to better support your main points. Consider providing real-life scenarios or statistical data to back up your argument.
task achievement
Review grammar and sentence structure for better clarity and readability. Avoid run-on sentences and ensure each idea is clearly expressed.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear stance on the issue, demonstrating an understanding of both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, guiding the reader smoothly through the argument.
task achievement
There is a balance of ideas in the essay, considering both the pros and cons of raising the retirement age.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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